Lately, I've been struggling with the reality of this pregnancy and allowing myself to let go of all the fears that have been camped-out in the back of my mind for almost a year now. I marvel at the changes I see in my body and the increasing strength of the movement I feel in my belly, but I'm still terrified when I don't feel the little guy move for a few hours and with every muscle twinge or cramp. I have allowed myself moments of normalcy...removing wallpaper from the soon-to-be nursery, choosing a color to go on the walls and making plans for where all the furniture will be placed. I even mustered the courage to order his crib last week.
But then there are moments that still bring me back to all of the uncertainty that remains. I found myself venturing into the baby section to look at baby clothes and supplies while on a recent shopping trip, but I froze. Gripped by this ugly fear that creeps in every now and then. Completely unable to pick anything up and put it in my basket. My mind is telling me there are still too many unknowns. It didn't feel right to pick-out little t's and bibs, socks or bedding because what if...
And so I wait and I pray that the fear that tiptoes into my consiousness can be overcome by the intense love I hold in my heart for our precious baby boy. Our son.
7 years ago
3 comments:
I know how you feel. I wish I could say its gotten easier for me recently, but I still dopp.ler the poor boy every day, sometimes twice.
The only thing that has made me feel more rationally about it (and maybe it will help you too) is when a friend pointed out that when the baby is born, you are still constantly fearing for their well-being, and worrying that something will happen to them. Then they head off to school, start to drive-- the fear never ends, because you love them so much.
Its kind of depressing to think about (lol), but it does take the pressure off of the right now. At least for me.
Big hugs, girl. Oh- and I am starting the hep on Sunday. Cross your fingers I don't screw it up!
I have those same feelings too. It is scary, because those who have battled IF don't take their little miracles for granted. I feel like I will always be paranoid. Like RM said, the love is beyond measure.
When my little girl doesn't move for a long time, I talk to her and say "Please, just give momma a good kick to let me know you're ok." And you know what? She always does.
I wasn't able to buy clothes until Hulk arrived (actually - until WEEKS after - thank god for a friend on my street that dropped off her son's hand-me-downs). There is something about buying the clothes that makes it crazy real.. and even more scary. Good luck with the 'baking the dude', LOL.
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