Running the Gauntlet

This is my very LEAST favorite part of the day: the commute home.

Granted, it only takes me a mere 20-25 minutes to get from work to driveway, but the 5 pm traffic is ridiculous! People are talking on phones and swerving between lanes and cutting-off semi trucks...be still my racing heart! Now, I must admit, that part of my annoyance stems from the fact that I like to speed. I have a NEED for speed. 10 miles over the speed limit is pretty standard for me. I've never gotten a speeding ticket. (Did I just mark my head with a big red "X"...?!)

So it's just about that time of the day...time for the full body armor, a few prayers for safety and some much-needed deep breathing and meditation. So what about you? What's your favorite or least favorite part of the day? Do you have a long commute to and from work? Are you a serial speeder like I am?

Anniversaries and Vomit

Happy Anniversary, baby! This is one of the many reasons I love my husband so much:

We just "get" each other's sense of humor. He placed this card in the back door, so that when I woke up and let Duke out in the morning, I'd find it. Three years of married life have FLOWN by. I love him more every moment I'm with him.

Just what the doctor ordered...

A weekend away. Not too far away. But just far enough away from all of the memories floating around the house and feelings mulling around in my head that remind me of what we’re dealing with right now.

With all of the doctor’s appointments and long hours at work, C. and I haven’t taken the time we usually do during the summer months to go and enjoy the lake. We’re fortunate enough to share a summer place with C.’s brother and his family. This weekend, we said to heck with the mounds laundry and to heck with the lawn mowing for now…we’re packing up the dog and retreating to the lake.

The weather was perfect. I laid in the sun, took long walks with C. and Duke, ate really yummy (read *naughty*) food, napped, spent all day Saturday out on the lake and gave myself permission to NOT think about upcoming tests and appointments and all of the unknowns that seem to wash over me every waking hour when I’m at home.

C. was relaxed, loving and attentive. Growing up, his family would retreat to this cabin every weekend and being there gives him permission to regress back to those carefree days of swimming, boating and family…days before he even thought of who he’d marry…days before jobs and babies and a mortgage.

And Duke…he’s another story. He’s EXHAUSTING at the lake. He would dive off the dock after his “fris” all day and night if we’d allow it. He woke us up every 2-3 hours Saturday night with his infamous “nose whistling” technique, as if to say: “Is it morning yet? Huh? Huh? Mom? Dad? Can we go play? Huh? Huh? Can we? Can we?” Finally, at 8 am, we relented, and the swimming, diving and fris-tossing began.

It was a wonderful weekend, and I’m eternally grateful to my mom for sneaking over while we were away and tackling the piles of laundry that we had put-off. I love you, moomoo!

Finally, a very warm, heartfelt thanks to everyone who took time to comment on my questions about Factor V Leiden. It was a blessing to hear stories of women who, with proper treatment and care, have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies…even with this diagnosis. Thank you!

A Memorial

July 25th is a sad day for me. Flooded with memories of what could have been. 6 years have already passed. A secret. Sorrow, shame and regret. I'll miss you forever.

“Held.”
Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lillys of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Heartbroken

I just received an email from my RE regarding the blood tests ordered yesterday. I'm not really sure where to go from here.

"You have an abnormal Factor V Leiden gene. This means you are at increased risk of blood clots and miscarriage (as we suspected from your mom's history). You will need to be on heparin and baby aspirin with future pregnancies. I would like you to see Dr. K who is a specialist in Hematology and Oncology. He will probably do much more blood testing to determine if there are any other abnormalities. You should be aware that you have an increased risk of blood clots on the birth control pill and you should not take it."

As if a busted uterus isn't enough for me to handle right now...another hurdle gets thrown onto the track.

The First of Many Visits

Once again, I’ll be waiting for my period to arrive before I’m given any definitive answers! Not really sure when I’ll learn that one waiting period usually leads right into the next waiting…for my period!

The new RE I visited Monday morning was very nice, very professional and very reassuring. She showed me diagrams of the different configurations of Müllerian Anomalies (yawn!), explained each one and potential reproductive issues associated with that shape. I did appreciate the time she took to visit with me (almost an hour!) about my concerns with the bicornute diagnosis I had been give by the OB from a different hospital. I am also BEYOND thankful that this practice posts lab results through a secure online portal. I can email the nurse questions or concerns I have, and schedule appointments via email. No more waiting 3 weeks for illegible test results! Yipee!

Dr. D (as she will be known henceforth) basically reiterated many of the same things that I’ve diligently researched on Müllerian Anomalies over the past two months. Here are some of the highlights:

*Dr. D agreed that it was wise to do additional diagnostics before trying to conceive again.

~Although the Lap/Hyst is the “gold standard” for diagnostics of MA’s, she believes in my case, it would be a good idea to take the most conservative route possible to get an accurate diagnosis.

*A saline sonogram is generally good at showing the outer contours of the uterus if the uterus is not retroverted (How convenient, mine is!)

~MRI would be the second test ordered if saline sonogram is not definitive enough.

*Nothing in the radiology reports from my initial diagnosis indicates that my uterus is unquestionably bicornuate.

~Because of my mom’s history of miscarriage, I’m being tested for Factor V Leiden. What?! Another potential issue to add to my list of worries?!

This is what I was able to dig-up on Factor V’s impact on pregnancy:

“It is thought that Factor V Leiden increases the risk for recurrent fetal loss and has been associated with severe pre-eclampsia, unexplained intrauterine growth retardation, placental abruption, and stillbirth as well as maternal clotting during labor and in the postpartum period.”

If anyone out there in the blogosphere has any experience with or knowledge of Factor V clotting issues, I’d love to hear from you!

So all-in-all, I left this appointment feeling hopeful and reassured. I’m counting down to day 28—which would be July 31st. That is also the weekend C. and I were going to do our romantic Anniversary getaway—nice! Once “she” arrives, I can call to schedule an appointment for my saline sonogram.

Waiting period number three is now in the books and waiting period four commences!

Show and Tell

As promised...a picture of the Birthday/Anniversary present I had to wait a few weeks for! In my opinion, it was well worth the test of my patience! I joke with C. that I've had put up with his shenanigans for three years now, and that was definitely worthy of a upgrade in my diamond! The graininess from our ancient 1/4 megapixel camera is terrible! (Ok, so it's not 1/4, but it's close!) That's next on the list of "to be upgraded!" C. spoiled me with a 1 carat diamond in my wedding set. We joke about the way things change when you get married...he bought a motorcycle about 3 months before he proposed to me and spent less on the first ring than he did on his bike. Now, he's selling that same motorcycle to pay for my diamond upgrade. Ahhhh...love and marriage!

Have a fantastic weekend! I'm sure I'll have lots to report (and lots of questions to pose) after my RE appointment bright and early on Monday morning.

Faithful.

First of all, a great BIG thanks to everyone who took the time to weigh-in on the septate versus bicornuate issue. It has definitely assured me that getting a referral to the RE was the right step to take. Right now, it feels like Monday the 21st is ages away…it’s all that consumes my every thought during the day and haunts me while I lie awake at night. Will this RE be able to give me the confidence to place my reproductive future in her hands? Will she be willing to listen to each of my questions and concerns? Does she have the experience and expertise to correctly diagnose my anomaly? Any words of wisdom as I prepare for this appointment and attempt to expedite the wait would be more than appreciated.

Today, I decided that I want to reflect on my relationship with my mom.

Growing up, I knew that my mom had fertility issues. I always adored when my parents lovingly told the story of how they chose my middle name (Faith). I knew that my mom lost a full-term baby girl, Melinda, to placental abruption in the 8 year span between my older brother’s birth and my birth. What I didn’t know was the actual number of times she had experienced loss in that 8 year period.

After my miscarriage, I was (and I still am) incredibly hungry for information. I talked, I mean really talked, to my mom for the first time about her experiences with pregnancy and loss. I had no idea the pain she’s quietly carried all of these years. In my humble opinion, it’s tough, if not impossible to understand the pain of miscarriage and loss unless you’ve experienced it first hand.

A few weeks ago, after we had planted beautiful “memory” flowers in the yard, she shared that she had also experienced a loss at 5 months and several other very early losses during her TTC journey. She drove hundreds of miles to see doctors who counseled her to “just keep trying.” Wow. She was not offered any sort of medical intervention. She also managed to wait 8 years…YES…8 years for me. I found myself counting the months since my loss…May, June, July…just three months feels like it's been an eternity to wait. How had she done it? How had she survived all of these losses and yet emerged from the experiences the spunky, ever-optimistic, over-achieving “MooMoo” that I know today?

To this point, my only conclusion is that the answer can be found encrypted in my middle name. Faith. She believed that God's ways were perfect, and that He ultimately held all the plans for her life in His hands. WHY is that so hard for me to do? Why can’t I surrender MY short-sighted plans for His perfect design?

I now feel that I am able to identify with my mom on a level that I’d never imagined I would just a few short months ago. We've always been close (although I am a self-affirmed daddy's girl), but I see her, and ADMIRE her, in a whole new way. And even though I wish neither of us would have this pain to carry, I’m beginning to realize that there is hope. God has promised us good and God is faith-ful.

It's Just That Simple?

“You’re textbook bicornuate.” This was the diagnosis according to the results of my HSG yesterday.

After about 30 minutes of forced small-talk with the nurse while my sweaty self sat half-dressed on the radiology table, OB finally appeared to start the procedure. I had pre-medicated with the ibuprofen as suggested by the doc and was bracing for the cramping I heard was so common with this test. What I didn’t expect was intravaginal PINCHING.

Call me naïve, but I seriously didn’t realize there were different lengths of speculums. Apparently, if it’s too short, during attempted placement, it pinches you internally. It is a GREAT sensation…if you love excruciating pain. After trying to place the speculum that was apparently too short, the doctor asked: “How tall are you?” “I’m 5’9,” I responded. “Oh yup, yup…I always say we need the longer speculum if you’re over 5’8”.” Thanks for checking my stats AFTER the fact, lady! The nurse had to run back up to the 6th floor to get another vagina-vice and the doctor attempted chit-chat while she was gone. Said the doctor down at my feet: “Wow. Looks like you got a tan over the holiday weekend.” And “are your hips OK resting like that? Yes? You must be very flexible.” Can you say UNCOMFORTABLE?!

The actual procedure wasn’t too bad. Just a few moments of cramping and it was all over. They showed me the digital x-rays of my uterus right away. It looked very similar to many of the HSG photos I’ve looked at in research papers and online. She pointed to the notch that intruded about half-way into my uterine cavity. I questioned how we knew for certain that it is bicornuate and not septate, and she said if it were septate, the notch would be long and thin. (Sounded like a bunch of hooey to me.) The horns of my uterus were almost identical in size and my tubes were free and clear of any obstructions. After she pointed out the clear tubes on the screen, the nurse asked: “So she’s OK to start trying to get pregnant again?” The doctor said “Yup!” as she waved and walked out the door. What I’m left with is a diagnosis that appears to be about as clear as mud.

I’m seriously beginning to doubt the expertise of my high-risk OB and THANKING God that I took the initiative to get a referral to an RE. I want to know for certain that this is NOT a septum that will affect my ability to carry a baby. I have so many mixed feelings. I left the hospital with hope, but now more than anything, I feel confused. Has anyone had an incorrect MA diagnosis based upon ultrasound and HSG results? Should I press the RE for a saline sonogram?

I hate being in limbo-land. And I really hate getting my chacha pinched!

Love, Marriage and My HSG

Delays, delays and more delays. After playing phone tag with the scheduler for three days, I finally have a date/time for my HSG…tomorrow afternoon! I’m a teeny tiny bit nervous about how this all will go down, but more than that, I’m excited to be moving forward towards a diagnosis. I’m not extremely hopeful that we’ll find out much from this test, however, it’s a starting point. (That’s my attempt at optimism. Are you convinced?)

DH is out-of-town for work once again this week, which means that all heck is going to break loose on the diet/food front for me. It’s so much easier to polish-off a bag of chips or box of crackers when no one is there to witness the indulgence, isn’t it? I hate it and I love it when he’s away. I hate it because I only have Duke to talk to, laugh with and pick-on while he’s gone. I love it because I don’t have to fight for space on the bed, pick-up stinky socks or belts or annoying little scraps of paper with random numbers written on them left on the kitchen counter and I don’t even have to attempt to be quiet while I get ready for work in the morning. Really honey, I do love you…and I’d miss it terribly if I didn’t have anyone to pick-up after! (I think.)

Wish me luck for tomorrow’s speculum adventures! Yipeeee for showing-off my cootchie to more strangers!

The Big 0-4!

*Update: The scheduler finally called back late this afternoon and said that they "couldn't find a spot for me" and would need to talk with my OB when she returns tomorrow (Tuesday) before they schedule the HSG. Nothing comes easily when dealing with IF and treatment, does it? It only took me three months to figure this out. Here's hoping tomorrow will bring some clarity!

I just couldn't wait until tomorrow to share the picture's from Duke's birthday party. I apologize in advance to anyone who doesn't share the same love for dogs...hopefully these won't make you gag...or roll your eyes. We just can't help ourselves!

The first picture is Duke in his jammies in his (our) bed. Man, do we need to upgrade to a king! The second picture is Duke opening his present...he was WAY more excited about the cardboard box than the Frisbee and treats inside. The third is a sampling of the treats that he and Rex enjoyed. It took them a grand total of 2 minutes to devour all the goodies. #4 is Duke patiently waiting for daddy to light the candles and for the family to sing. #5 is Duke's younger brother Rex gobbling up the carob pretzel. #6 is nephew enjoying some water from the pool...just like the puppies, of course! #7 is Duke's crash at the end of the day. He was soooo tired!

Progress.

So after AF’s birthday arrival, I can anticipate the next step in my diagnosis...the dreaded HSG! I’m assuming that it will take place some time this week…I hope! I called the scheduler this morning at 8:30 am and she said she needed to “pull up my chart” and that she’d call me back. It’s now just after 1 pm, and I’ve yet to hear from her. Communication is NOT this hospital’s strong point.

I did break-down and visit with my PCP last Wednesday. I knew I said I planned to wait until AFTER the 4th, but I just couldn’t do it! When I arrived at her office, I was escorted into “the room”… the neon-yellow room where we were given the fateful news that our baby hadn’t survived past the 10th week. It was really difficult to sit there all alone and have memories flood back like a million little knives. It was as if the loss was happening all over again…the knot in my stomach, the spinning room, staring at the clock that was stuck at 2:15. I was on the verge of tears with Dr. Wonderful popped into the room. I’m not sure if it was because my expectations were so low, or if Dr. Wonderful was in her best form, but the appointment was relatively painless from that point forward. It sounded like she had received ZERO feedback from the hospital that performed my D and C’s. She hadn’t even been updated about the status of the suspected molar pregnancy or the fact that I had to have a second procedure because the doctor that operated hadn’t been told about my MA. I guess she could have been in-touch with the hospital to get an update too, so I won’t place all the blame on them. Most importantly, she was open to giving me a referral to Reproductive Medicine. Yipeee!

I will see the RE on July 21st. I was surprised to learn that I could meet with her yet this month. I’m (cautiously) excited and hopeful that I’ll receive the care that I need with this practice. It’s the only reproductive clinic in the state of North Dakota and the only RE’s available within a 250-mile-radius. My boss doctored with one of the MD’s there during her pregnancy and had nothing but positive to report. I hope that I’ll have a HSG result to share with them during this visit.

In other news, I received the sweetest birthday present from my (preggo) sister and her husband. They picked-out a beautiful blue topaz and diamond teardrop pendant. Blue topaz is the birthstone for December…the month we would have had our baby. Just when I’m certain that I’m carrying this sorrow all on my own, someone does something like this to encourage and support me. What a blessing.

Finally, I am very happy to report that Duke's party was a success! I’ll have pictures for tomorrow’s post.

The Best Gift Ever!

Just when I was beginning to think that AF had departed forever, she surprised me with a grand entrance. In dramatic fashion, she decided to wait until my birthday (7/4) to make her much-anticipated appearance. Hooooray! Who would have guessed I'd be so excited to see her on my way to the lake for a long weekend...(read: stuffing my PMS'ing behind into a swimsuit!)?

Hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th of July!

When It Rains, It Pours...Babies!

First of all, I have to say: "Happy Birthday Dukie!" He's at daycare today with all his other fur-buddies, and he brought treats to share!

Well. I made it through last night's birthday party...barely! I was the only woman of childbearing age NOT pregnant at this party. And no, I'm not exaggerating! There were babies galore! Five couples that had at least one child under the age of two and four cute mommies with round bellies. Waaaaaaaa! C. told me it was "good for me." Not really sure what part of being tortured is "good" for a person? Guys just don't get it, do they?

I must confess (as if it's a big secret) that I am NOT a patient person. After mulling around the idea of requesting a referral to an RE and dreading the fact that I'd have to get that referral from my less-than-wonderful PCP, I went ahead and scheduled an appointment to talk with her this afternoon. I'm just praying she'll be open to writing a letter to recommend a visit with the RE. I'm so hungry for information, and I feel like the OB that I've been working with just has far too much on her plate to provide me with the level of attention that I need. Here's hoping that Doc Wonderful will agree and that Mr. RE will have an appointment open some time this CENTURY!