No Time To Say Goodbye

This has been a trying week...just capped-off by two bits of really sad news.

My dear friend Kerry, who was diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome last fall after her second miscarriage, has just suffered another loss. I am so sad for her. She was following new protocol: blood thinners and IVIg treatments, and was really hopeful that this would be the one. This miscarriage was also taxing on her body. The hospital did a CAT scan because they feared she had a blood clot in her brain or spinal meningitis from the IVIg infusion. (scary!) We love you Ker, and we're praying for answers for you...soon.

Second, our dear little Rex, has been shipped-off to a farm in South Dakota. I'm still in shock. We didn't even get to say goodbye. C. and I knew that my sister and her husband were feeling a bit overwhelmed with the prospect of soon having two kids under the age of 3 along with a hyper-active doggy to care for. They mentioned they may look for a different home for Rex back in March, but we hadn't heard any more on the topic since then. I was informed of his departure via this note left in our mailbox when I came home from work today:

I was certain he had been killed. Why else would someone leave a message like this?! I frantically called my sister (no answer) my mom (no clue what the note meant) and then my BIL. He reassured me that Rex was not dead, but he went on to explain that Rex left earlier this afternoon (what?!). He said I could call and talk with sis, but she was pretty "emotional" because she's "knocked-up." Ummm...yeah...I'm holding back sobs here too buddy. We WOULD have been Rex's family. Heck, we WERE his family for a whole year while my sis and bil lived in an apartment that didn't allow pets. I want to understand. I'm trying to understand. And I'm so tired of facing loss.

So I've decided that this post is dedicated to all of those who have left our lives before we even got a chance to say goodbye.

Please Don't Forget Those Left Behind

Someone who should know better...

At work, a gal who has gone through at least 2 IVF cycles (that I know of) is sending out a date of birth/sex of the baby prediction spreadsheet/pool.

Her due date is 2 weeks behind what mine *would* have been.

Sigh. I would have guessed she would know better...or not.

Opening Doors

I have been buried at work this week…hence my neglect of blogging and commenting. And for that, I’m really sorry faithful blogger buddies!

I’m still undecided about further diagnostics to confirm my BU/SU status. C. believes that we should trust Dr. D’s opinion, and move forward with the hematologist and *hopefully* get the green light to go ahead and start trying again with blood thinners and baby aspirin. However, to leave my options open, I’ve requested my medical records from the hospital that did my D and C’s (HSG, pathology, ultrasounds) and I’m planning to send all of this information off for a second opinion. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to have any what-if's left on the table for future attempts. It would break my heart to know there was something, be it ever so slight, that I could have done to increase the likelihood of a viable pregnancy. I don’t think I could live with that.

I also forgot to mention that Dr. D ordered about nine bazillon different blood tests when I was in for my saline sono last week. I donated 12 vials (Yes, 12!) vials of blood. Can you say arm turning blue and numb from the tourniquet?! I really appreciated how proactive she wanted to be with my treatment. She explained that many of the blood tests that Dr. Hemo would order had to be sent-off to the Mayo Clinic labs for processing, and the results usually come back within two weeks. Dr. D also explained that she couldn't promise that she'd cover every test Dr. Hemo needed, but that it would be a good start and would eliminate another two week wait after my appointment in September. I’m still waiting to hear-back on those results. She also asked if I’d like to have my and C.’s chromosomes analyzed, and I thought, why not, right?! These were her exact words: “With both a uterine anomaly and a congenital blood clotting disorder, it would be highly unlikely for you to have a chromosomal condition too.” I wanted to say, just wait lady, the lab is going to come back and say: “Ummm…yeah…this ‘woman’ has an exact chromosomal match to a cat.”

In other matters and gripes, I really thought I liked living in a college town. But now that we live in a neighborhood between a major university and a smaller, liberal arts college (my alma mater!), I’m finding myself annoyed by the increased foot traffic, increased vehicle traffic, increased noise and the onslaught of hootchie-mama attire parading past our house! I asked C. if the level of my annoyance means I’m getting old…and the answer was a resounding YES! I’m only 6 years removed from my college experience, and already I have an intolerance for loud teens and early twenty-somethings. Eeeeek! The only redeeming aspect: we live in a climate where the girls HAVE to dress in layers once November/December rolls around.

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As I mentioned in one of my first posts, C. and I purchased a home that was already all decked-out with a little kid’s room. I figured we’d leave it as-is for a year and redecorate once we added little ones to our clan. However, after our loss, having to look at the room and its contents makes me really sad. It houses the changing table my mom bought us even before we were “trying” for kiddos (I thanked her for the nice “book shelf”), an exer.saucer, baby tub and baby swing inherited from my in-laws and my childhood stuffed animals, books and quilts.




My unworn maternity clothes still hang in that closet, price tags yet to be removed. The lullaby CDs, ultrasound frame, baby books and "Expecting" Willo.w Tree An.gel are stuffed into a plastic bin…out of sight, out of mind?


For now, I just shut the door, and try to forget what it looks like and all that it contains. It is my strongest desire and deepest hope that we get to open that (literal and figurative) door in the very near future.

Finally, a few shout-outs before I sign-off for the weekend:
Go congratulate A Maybe Story on the purchase of her new house…which, by the way, I’m totally envious of!
And if you haven't already, go give Meredith some love…she’s on bedrest in the hospital and needs your encouragement.

Am I being a pain in the...

Everything with the saline sonogram on Wednesday went very well. I was left feeling like I’m in really good hands with Dr. D and her team. I made sure that I took about 800 mg of Ad.vil before the procedure, and other than some mild cramping, it was basically painless. (Unlike “the incident” that occurred during my HSG.) I was able to watch the sonogram as they preformed it…there was a flat-screen monitor for me to watch up on the wall. I went back to work right after the procedure.

After the procedure, I sat with Dr. D and discussed the findings. She is fairly certain that my uterus is indeed, bicornuate. My only regret is that I wish I would have come prepared with more questions! I guess I just assumed that they were going to find a septum, so I didn’t bring all my research with me. Being the worrier that I am, I emailed Dr. D yesterday around 8 p.m. with some questions I had about the saline sonogram done on Wednesday.

Get this...SHE called me back this afternoon with answers. Not her nurse...not some random office staff member...HER! She gave me the option of doing an MRI to confirm the diagnosis, but at this point, she said she's about 99 percent sure that my uterus is bicornuate. The only 100% certainty would be to do surgery, and in her words "it would be a lot of risk without much return." She also said we can request a 2nd opinion from Mayo or the U of Michigan if that would put my mind at ease. This made me conclude that my RE officially ROCKS! But I really need to know...should I pursue an MRI or laporoscopy? Help!




On a lighter note, we’ve been watching Rex (the puppy on the left), Duke’s younger brother, this week. I posted both pictures because it was a major undertaking to get them to "sit" next to one another! Rex belongs to my sister and her husband. The “boys” went to doggy-swim at the park last night. Our local parks and recreation group holds the event on the night before they close the pools for the season, as a fundraiser for a local dog park. It was a blast! If it ends-up that I cannot have kids, I want to fill our home with doggies...no doubt!

Remembering and Rambling

Have I mentioned how much I love my mom? Well, I do. She sent C. a beautiful card in remembrance of his cousin. I know C. battles with faith and salvation and why God allows terrible things to happen to good people and I’m often at a loss when it comes to answering his questions about life and death and forgiveness and sin. But somehow, my mom managed to sum-up many of the thoughts that have been running through my mind over the past week…many of the things that I’ve been unable to explain to C. after G.’s death. I love how she always seems to have the right words to communicate her emotions. She is a role model and my rock. An excerpt from her letter:

“It’s so hard to accept when someone, anyone struggles to this degree and we are powerless to help. We don’t know what G.’s last words to God might have been, but God does. He loved him and held him.”

C. asked me last night if we can start trying again if my saline sonogram on Wednesday confirms a bicornuate diagnosis. I reminded him that I have an appointment with Dr. K, the hematologist, in September, and that we’d probably be advised to wait, even if I’m not required to have surgery for a uterine septum. For the first time, I think I actually saw disappointment in his eyes. It absolutely rips my heart out to see him hurt. I often get so stalled in my own miserable feelings that I forget he’s sharing this journey with me. He needs my encouragement and love just as much as I need emotional support and a gentle hand from him. How about you? How do you cheer-on your significant other during this IF journey?

I feel like I've been a broken record as of late. I've turned into one big bummer, bummer, bummer. Mel’s now a giant buzz kill. (Debbie Downer, anyone?) My posting has been positively uninspired. I think the problem is that I’m still looking for my inspiration. Thoughts and dreams of being a mommy feel so far away, so I’m not even able to grasp for that yet. My faith feels so small and insignificant. I’ve let my relationship with God dwindle to scattered prayers and tears for mercy. I look for comfort in food, in material things, in accomplishments and in people, and I’m left empty and wanting. How do you move forward when “letting go and letting God” feels like an impossibility?

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my SHG. I will update on the results when I receive them.

Is There Always Hope?

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to attend the funeral today. C. was fine with me skipping-out. He actually said he didn’t want me to go. I think he senses how emotionally fragile I am right now. I know he catches me tearing-up while watching emotionally-charged TV shows like Hop.kins and Inter.vention (two of my current favorites). C. asked me this morning: “What do you say at a funeral like this?” I had no response. In my opinion, there is always hope of redemption...even after suicide. C.’s cousin (G.) had struggled with depression and substance abuse for years. I think the last straw was his wife filing for divorce and taking their two children back home to live with her parents. My heart aches for those kids. My heart aches for the hopelessness that G. must have felt.

As I mentioned in my previous post, AF made her appearance on Tuesday night. So bright and early on Wednesday morning I called the RE’s office and was scheduled for my saline sonogram next Wednesday the 13th. Surprisingly, I think that the diagnosis of my Mullerian anomaly has taken a back seat to all of the immune and blood testing that I’m going to be subjected to in September when I see the hematologist. I’m not even sure the RE is going to suggest that we actively try to get pregnant until after our consult with Dr. K. The prospect of waiting until October or November (or longer) to start TTC is really defeating. I hate wishing-away time. I want to learn to live in and for today…but is that ever really attainable? How do you learn to change your focus from the long term to the short term when you're taught all your life to focus on the "big picture"...? Is there a way to balance the two mentalities?

At the party last Saturday night, all of the “girls” were talking about their kids, and inevitably asked if C. and I had any of our own. When I replied “not yet,” I got this response: “Ahhhh…why not?! C. would be such a good daddy!” I wanted to reply: “Yup. I know. Thanks for making me feel even more inadequate as a wife.” I swear. I’m going to write a book on babyloss etiquette.

It seems like almost every blog I faithfully follow has been graced with a pregnancy lately. I’m trying to be excited for the new mommies-to-be, but it’s beyond difficult when infertility and tests and the unknown surround me every day like a big dark blanket. I want to cover my head and cry and emerge when this all has passed.

We're headed-back to the lake this weekend for a get-together with my side of the family. It's going to be really difficult not to be jealous of my sister's adorable, round, pregnant belly. She's one of the cute, non-puffy preggers mommies. I can't help but think we could have been pregnant at the same time. We should have had babies within months of one another. Can you tell I'm in a funk right now?

Finally, I'd like to send some love over to Nity at I Believe In Miracles. She's been such a faithful blogger buddy and she'll be taking "the test" this weekend.

Weekend Updates

Highlights from our extended weekend...

Visiting a liquor store and entering a busy bar wearing this (for an explanation see this post):

Catching this baseball thrown from Ben Francisco after a pop-fly out in the 6th inning:

Dog-hair-free bed and actually being to cuddle with my husband
Naked hot-tubbing (Yeeeeeehaw! No pictures of that one, I promise!)
Riding some GREAT roller coasters
Enjoying waterslides at the water park on a 90 degree day
AF’s arrival on CD 33
Appointment for a saline sonogram set for Wednesday, August 13th

Low-light of the weekend...
News that C.’s 39 year-old cousin committed suicide.

More on all of the above in days to come.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Nity at I Believe In Miracles.

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Hilarious
3. Your hair? Highlighted
4. Your mother? Petite
5. Your father? Comic
6. Your favorite thing? Husband
7. Your dream last night? Flying
8. Your favorite drink? Water
9. Your dream/goal? Contentment
10. The room you're in? Cubicle
11. Your hobby? Decorating
12. Your fear? Loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mommy
14. What you're not? Angry
15. Muffins? Blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? Patience
17. Where you grew up? Midwest
18. The last thing you did? Ate
19. What are you wearing? Smile
20. Favorite Gadget? iPod
21. Your pet? Doggie
22. Your computer? Essential
23. Your mood? Anxious
24. Missing someone? Parents
25. Your car? Silver
26. Something you are not wearing? Shoes
27. Favorite Store? Target
28. Like someone? Roxy
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Night

Tagged: butterfly on my shoulder, Megs, Amy, and Nicole

Now Introducing...

the absolute love of my life!

Ok, you can quit drooling. He's a sexy beast, I know. :) Actually, before you assume I've married an 82 year-old man, I'll explain! This is C.'s costume for a birthday party we're going to tonight. I'm sure he'd love the fact that I'm posting it here for all to see! It's my brother-in-law's 30th, and my sister is holding a surprise get-together with a Vegas casino-night theme. C. and I are going as the "tacky tourists." I'll post pictures of both of us later next week when we return from vacation! Let me just say that my outfit includes a romper with shoulder pads, leggings, wooden beads and white Velcro shoes. Aren't you jealous? It's been a monumental task to try to keep this all under-wraps from my super nosy BIL, but I have every confidence that it's going to be a fun time.

Another picture of the happy couple:

We took this one after dinner on our anniversary...which also included a bottle of wine. Hence, the goofy grin on my face.

Sunday morning, C. and I are off for a quick, celebratory anniversary getaway. In years past, I've been the one to choose the destination of our anniversary trips...once to Vegas, once to a beautiful bed and breakfast, but this year was C.'s turn to decide where we were headed. So we're off to see some Major League Baseball and hit-up an amusement/water park. Such a guy, I know! He's lucky his wife loves sports and rollercoasters and that I tolerate being in a swimsuit in public...just barely. We'll be back into town on Tuesday, and I'm headed back to work Wednesday, while C. gets to enjoy the rest of the week off. Not fair, huh?! I used-up all of my vacation time in May/June for medical reasons...booooo hissssss!

So PLEASE have a fantastic weekend. I'm sending up thoughts and prayers to all who are "in the wait," and I'll be anxiously anticipating updates when I return.

P.S. Today is CD 32 and still no sign that AF is going to visit. What the heck is going on with this body of mine?!