Have I mentioned how much I love my mom? Well, I do. She sent C. a beautiful card in remembrance of his cousin. I know C. battles with faith and salvation and why God allows terrible things to happen to good people and I’m often at a loss when it comes to answering his questions about life and death and forgiveness and sin. But somehow, my mom managed to sum-up many of the thoughts that have been running through my mind over the past week…many of the things that I’ve been unable to explain to C. after G.’s death. I love how she always seems to have the right words to communicate her emotions. She is a role model and my rock. An excerpt from her letter:“It’s so hard to accept when someone, anyone struggles to this degree and we are powerless to help. We don’t know what G.’s last words to God might have been, but God does. He loved him and held him.”
C. asked me last night if we can start trying again if my saline sonogram on Wednesday confirms a bicornuate diagnosis. I reminded him that I have an appointment with Dr. K, the hematologist, in September, and that we’d probably be advised to wait, even if I’m not required to have surgery for a uterine septum. For the first time, I think I actually saw disappointment in his eyes. It absolutely rips my heart out to see him hurt. I often get so stalled in my own miserable feelings that I forget he’s sharing this journey with me. He needs my encouragement and love just as much as I need emotional support and a gentle hand from him. How about you? How do you cheer-on your significant other during this IF journey?
I feel like I've been a broken record as of late. I've turned into one big bummer, bummer, bummer. Mel’s now a giant buzz kill. (Debbie Downer, anyone?) My posting has been positively uninspired. I think the problem is that I’m still looking for my inspiration. Thoughts and dreams of being a mommy feel so far away, so I’m not even able to grasp for that yet. My faith feels so small and insignificant. I’ve let my relationship with God dwindle to scattered prayers and tears for mercy. I look for comfort in food, in material things, in accomplishments and in people, and I’m left empty and wanting. How do you move forward when “letting go and letting God” feels like an impossibility?
Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my SHG. I will update on the results when I receive them.
5 comments:
I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Hang in there.
Hey Sweetie...I'm so glad your mother is so supportive. It means so much in hard times.
As for supporting C., I think it's wonderful that he is excited to keep trying. W. is more reluctant to rush into anything, and yet I still feel like I have to protect him. I don't want to tell him I feel any pregnancy symptoms until I REALLY REALLY do.
Today is your saline...mine was painless. I hope yours is too and I hope you get some definitive answers. Let us know how it goes.
Hoping your procedure went well today. *big hug*
Hope your procedure went well!! Let us know.
I love your mother's note. The questions C asks are so hard to answer. I often struggle with that - why do good things happen to bad people. I come back to the fact that there is sin in the world. But apart from that, I have no answers.
I would totally suggest the book I'm reading - From Fear to Freedom by Rose Marie Miller. It's been immensely helpful at helping me be inspired and focus less on my pleas, but more on God's big picture. From the back of the book - "For all Christians who live in fear of never quite "measuring up," this honest account of one woman's spiritual crisis provides a new look at the transforming power of God's grace in the midst of weakness..."
I think its a great sign that you're recognizing that you're letting your relationship scatter and turning to other things for comfort. That's the first step.
Don't feel like you're being such a downer. You have a right to be sad and morn the diagnosis you've been given. Once you've mourned (don't let it take too long) then you can move on and look for the positive things in your life. It's not an easy process.
I am here for you, Mel.
*BIG HUGS**
Hey girl. Hang in there. We're on this ride for some crazy reason, even though we're being dragged through the ringer.
Looking forward to hearing your SHG results.
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