TMI and Duke's Top Ten

Another Christmas come and gone...another year about to draw to a close. Time really does speed up as we get older, doesn't it?! Or is it just that when we're children, time is more of an abstract concept than what it becomes when we're adults? Time is no longer measured by how many more hours of daylight we have to play outside or how many more minutes until mom is going to drag us inside for dinner. Now life's moments are dictated by work and schedules and appointments and meetings...ahhh...I digress. Nevertheless, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

Monday brought appointment number two with Dr. Supe.rman, who I've now decided is one of my new BFF's. He was running over an hour late for his appointments because he had to go and deliver a baby. (Who could be mad at him for that?!) We were the very last couple in the clinic, and he joked that dinner would be served with our visit. C. requested some pizza, and Dr. Super.man suggested steaks. Did I mention I really like this guy?

Now I must add this disclaimer before I describe my visit...if anyone is squeamish or easily grossed out, I'd stop reading now. This next paragraph is definitely going to fall under the category of TMI.

So as I mentioned in my last post, I had been experiencing some cramping and also what I'd best describe as "pressure" down below. I've also had a ton of clear discharge, so much that I've had to wear a pad during the day. Of course the clear fluid and the pressure had me thinking CERVIX! So I mentioned the issues to Dr. Super.man and he wanted to take a closer look. So he gloves-up, starts poking and prodding around (YOUCH!) and asks if I'm still on my Crin.one progesterone suppositories, to which I say "No. I haven't used those in over a month." He goes on to explain that there's still a TON of the adhesive delivery gel clumped-up and left in there. More poking, sweeping and prodding and three changes of gloves later, he declares that the left over residue has given me a raging yeast infection! Fantastic! That explains the icky discharge and the uncomfortable pressure. Poor C. had to watch this whole feminine fiasco from about three feet away. I'm assured that if this didn't make him lose all desire to ever touch me again, nothing will! I love you honey! The doc also did a manual exam of my cervix and said everything feels firm and closed. Good news!

In much less graphic news, baby Pat will (hopefully) reveal his/her identity on January 28th at my comprehensive ultrasound. I can hardly wait!

Finally, Duke wanted me to share his top 10 Holiday Highlights:

10. Playing in the 14+ inches of new snow at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Getting lost in a huge snow drift.
9. Cardboard box and wrapping paper that he was allowed to tear into 9 bazillion pieces all over the living room floor.
8. Red Ko.ng Frisbee that he now brings to bed with him almost every night.

7. Giant rope ball he loves to drop on mommy and daddy's toes.
6. Rawhide bone from Nana and Papa that is (seriously) the size of my arm.
5. Running up and down the snow pile in the parking lot by his house.
4. Laying on the couch and eating baked Cheet.os with mommy.

3. Super stinky homemade treats from Auntie and Uncle.
2. Stealing mom's new Bopp.y body pillow after she gets out of bed in the morning.
1. Did we mention his new red frisbee?!

My P-O'ed Uterus

My newest pregnancy symptom...pissed-off uterus. (a.k.a. irritable uterus) The cramping started on Sunday and grows much more noticeable at night. I haven't had any spotting and the pain is mostly dull and achy, so I followed the recommended protocol of laying on my left side, not lifting/moving anything heavy, no exercise, lots of water and keeping my bladder empty. The last two were the most difficult. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE water. It's very rare that you won't see me with a bottle of water, but when I have to keep my bladder as empty as possible AND drink lots of water...that gets tricky! I might as well park my butt on the toilet with a giant jug of water and a straw.

The O.B. nurse asked me to come in to check my electrolyte levels and have a culture for a bladder infection. Electrolytes and hydration status looked great...culture was negative for infection. I'll have to wait until Monday at my 16 week appointment to address my concerns with Dr. Super.man. You'd better believe I'm going to be adamant about them checking my cervix length! Someone is gonna look at my cervix whether they want to or not!

I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. My holiday shopping is D-O-N-E! (Doesn't the tree look much better with gifts underneath?) Commence operation wrapping frenzy! I finished off my holiday shopping extravaganza with a trip to a teen-centric accessory store to find something fun for my 8 year-old niece. I found an adorable pair of leg warmers, some funky hair accessories and very girly lip gloss sampler for her. The conversation with the clerk at the checkout was classic. It went something like this:

Teenage Clerk (in a somewhat valley-girl voice): Oh! The leg warmers are 2 pairs for 20 dollars. Did you want to pick-out another pair?

Me (end of the work day, ready to get the heck out of the mall voice): No, thank you. Just the one pair for me tonight.

Clerk: Oh yeah! All cosmetics are buy one get one 50 percent off. Did you want to go ahead and get another cosmetic item?

Me: No thank you. I've got what I need for right now.

Clerk: And ma'am, all of the hair accessories are buy two get one free. Did you want to pay for one more and get one more free?

Me: No thank you.

Clerk: And since you spent over twenty dollars tonight, all gift boxes are fifty percent off. Did you want a few of those?

What Grinchy Mel wanted to say: Look. Just ring up my f'in order. I've got what I need. I don't need more of anything. The lady behind me is shooting lasers through the back of my head in an attempt to speed me through this line. My feet hurt. I'm exhausted and the smell of cherry lip gloss and loud Jonas Brother's music is not helping.

Me (wearing the biggest fake smile I can muster): No gift boxes tonight, thank you.

...And scene.

Nice Christmas spirit on my part, huh?

On that note, I would like to extend my warmest wishes for a very blessed Christmas to each and every one of you! Enjoy time with family, friends, loved ones and pets. Happy Holidays!

Tick-Tock

I finally got the guts to add a ticker to my page. Granted, it's buried towards the bottom (for now) but it's there nonetheless. This feels like a really big step. Belly shots...now those may have to wait a few more weeks.

Anyone else still have Christmas shopping left to do? Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Officially An Old Woman?

Ok. I need help deciding. For the first time EVER in my adult life, I broke down and wore my not-so-sexy winter boots to work and changed into my very practical kitten-heeled shoes once I made it safely inside my office. (I couldn't go cold turkey with heels all-together!) This from the same woman who wore 3 inch heels across an icy, snow-filled parking lot almost every day last winter! I think I can officially classify myself as an old woman. It's all downhill from here, right? What's next?! A little plastic kerchief over my hair to keep it from getting windblown?!

Love You Forever

Has it really been seven months since we said goodbye to you, sweet little one? Instead of lovingly embracing you in our arms today, God is cradling you safely in His. We'll hold you close in our hearts forever, precious baby.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

An excerpt from:
Love You Forever

Mommy and Daddy love you forever. We can't wait to meet you in heaven.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

~Revelations 21:4

My Newest Love...Buffet Pants

Last weekend, C. and I finally did some decorating for Christmas. Since we're not hosting family at our home this year (VERY relieved about that!), we only drug out the bear minimum of decoration by my Christmas decor standards. I've decided that I'm going to try to simplify my life as much as possible for the next 6 months. Life is going to be busy enough without having to add all the extra trimmings I normally like to prepare for the holidays. We put up our tree, a few garlands, wreaths, candles in the window...and of course, Duke is sporting his Christmas tree collar! We also made Duke raise his right paw and promise that he wouldn't mark the tree. He half-heartedly agreed and then reluctantly posed for this picture. Notice the lack of presents underneath it?! I have yet to buy a single gift...totally not like me! Napping has taken priority over blogging and shopping and just about anything else in the evenings after work. It's my goal to have all the shopping done by this weekend. (We'll see how that goes!)


I'm celebrating the fact that I'm officially done with the Crin.one (progesterone) suppositories! Yipee! I'm thankful that they served their purpose and I really believe that they've played a role in getting me to where I am in my pregnancy now. I'm hoping that the acne and nausea they bestowed upon me will leave sooner rather than later.

I wore a pair of my maternity jeans for the first time today. We had a holiday potluck at work, and I wanted to be able to indulge and enjoy to the fullest! C. called them my "buffet pants." I think he's just jealous of the stretchy elastic waist.

I had my first official fall as a pregnant woman. I have to preface my story by saying that I am one of THE MOST accident-prone women on the face of the planet. I have a titanium plate and six screws in my ankle to attest to my clumsiness. My mom has threatened to cut the heels off of all my boots and shoes countless times. (I *heart* heels!) That being said, I put on a pair of completely impractical boots on Wednesday morning and ended-up sliding down 4-5 of our stairs. I hit my hip, my head and totally bruised my pride. I freaked-out and immediately grabbed the doppler to check on baby Pat (C.'s new name for the roomie.) HB was a healthy 160 bpm. I took half the day off and put my feet up...worried that I'd done permanent damage to Pat. Never mind that I'm majorly prone to bruising because of the Hep.arin. Ugh. The boots have been placed in the goodwill give-away pile, and from now on, I'll be sporting Sket.chers and flats exclusively! Lesson learned.

A Perfect Fit

I have to pinch myself when I realized that we’ve arrived safely at 12 weeks and 4 days…just a few short days away from jumping headlong into trimester number two! There’s been a vast array of emotions running through my mind the past few weeks. I’ve distanced myself a bit from the blogosphere because of all the memories the pages hold. We’re rapidly approaching the unfulfilled due date of our little one. December 15th. It’s very difficult to deal with both absolute joy and utter devastation all at the same time. How do you mourn what could have been, but not lose sight of what is yet to be? It’s a balancing act I’ve yet to master.

And who said the magic week for nausea to go away is 12?! They lied! I’m still getting once-a-week B6 shots, but at my appointment on Tuesday, new (fabulous) Dr. OB said that it’s best to gradually decrease the frequency of shots because women often get “rebound” nausea if they go cold turkey with the injections. Super duper! I’m really looking forward to a reprieve from the sensation of having a never-ending hangover!

Tuesday of this week was our first meeting with new Dr. OB. (From here on out we'll call him Dr. Super.man). The clinic where he practices is much smaller than where I was initially seen, but the people there are wonderful. My appointment was at the very end of the day when tempers and patience can be in short supply, but I didn’t find any of that to be true at this office. After a short wait in the exam room…completely clothed this time…jovial Dr. Super.man entered the room, apologized for our wait (wow!) and started ticking through his protocol for treatment during pregnancy. Once he had finished, he looked at me and said, “So does this sound like we’re on the same page?” After I picked my jaw off the ground, I think I nodded yes. He’s on-board with taking the precautions that I’d like to take but at the same time he doesn’t want me to get stuck with my “labels” as the Factor V pregnant lady, or the freak with the uterine anomaly. I feel like I’m in very competent hands. We chatted more about my unanswered questions, got a quick look at the jumping bean and his/her beautiful heartbeat and left the office about an hour later flooded with a complete sense of relief. My mom, my faithful prayer warrior, cried when I told her how the appointment had gone. Totally a God thing.

After our doctor visit and some research of my own, I also decided to cancel my appointment for the nuchal translucency screening. The more research that I did, the more apprehensive I became. There appears to be lots of opportunity for false positives on this screen and that would necessitate additional diagnostic testing like an amniocentesis. Because of my blood clotting disorder, there’s even more risk of miscarriage associated with any invasive test…especially ones that involve the chance of unknowingly hitting a tiny capillary with a needle (amnio). And ultimately, we wouldn't ever terminate a pregnancy even if a Down's test was positive. I thought giving up this control would freak me out, but strangely, I’m at peace with the decision.

I’ll end my rambling here, but before I sign-off, I have to give shout-outs (and huge hugs!) to my fellow MA’ers (Mullerian Anomaly) Sara and Meredith on the birth of there precious little ones. Hearing their happy endings gives me so much hope!

Turkey and potatoes and stuffing...oh my!

Happy Turkey Day! I don't know if I could even enumerate all of the things that I'm thankful for in life. I feel so very blessed to be exactly where I am right now. Granted, life isn't perfect...the house is a mess, there's family drama I've been dealing with for the past few weeks, I'm trying to let go of the unrealistic amount of control I want to have over this pregnancy, Duke thinks rabbit droppings are puppy trail mix (Ewww!)...but despite all of those things, I have a million other positive aspects to rejoice about! I hope that you all had time to enjoy friends, family and celebrate the freedom that we enjoy in this country. C. and I had a very quiet Thanksgiving day...which was wonderful! C. did the cooking and, in my opinion, aced everything. I ate far too much. (But it's for the baby too, right?!) Green bean casserole has always been my favorite, especially when made with fresh green beans. Mmmmm! We will be celebrating with my family tomorrow night.

The doppler arrived yesterday...much to our delight! I've included a picture here, and I apologize in advance for its quality. Husband was holding the main part of the doppler and shooting a picture with his camera phone all while trying not to expose any more of me than necessary. Tried to keep it very PG! Finding the little one was a task, but when we realized that my heart rate was the 80 and baby’s was the 172, it was nothing short of AWESOME! None of the docs that I've seen to date have taken time to do the in-office doppler (other than the RE who let us listen with the vag cam) so it was that much more special. I think it's finally sinking-in for C. He smiled from ear-to-ear when I finally found the roomie's beautiful HB. Money well spent!

I think I've officially failed my second go-round of ICLW. I need to catch-up on two days of commenting, and I really like to reply to everyone who leaves a note for me. That may take awhile because there have been SO many thoughtful, kind comments left on my past few posts. The supportive, nurturing nature of this community never fails to amaze me! Thank you!

Again, I hope everyone enjoyed a relaxing, restful Thanksgiving day! It’s back to work for part of the day for me tomorrow before enjoying a quiet weekend at home. Now there’s something to be thankful for!

Thankful and Amazed

I couldn't help but cry when I checked my comments today. The ladies of the IF/TTC blogosphere (and all others who stopped!) are beyond amazing. I feel so blessed and comforted by your words of wisdom regarding my less-than-stellar OB appointment. It has reaffirmed my decision to seek-out care from a different doctor. The only downside to my decision is the fact that I'm locked-in with this hospital group (if I want my services to be covered by insurance) and there is a small chance the "Dr. No Time For Me" may ultimately deliver this baby if she's on-call. But I was reminded by many friends that I wouldn't have to deal with her for the next 7 months. Thank you, thank you, and thank you again to each and every one of you who took time to comment!

On Wednesday, I asked around at work about OB's that some of my closest and most trusted co-workers doctored with. My boss had her first child at 41 after a successful IUI, and she highly recommended her male OB that practices at a different satellite clinic still affiliated with this hospital group. I got on the phone, talked with his nurse, expressed that I had "high-risk issues" and set-up an appointment 4 weeks out. The nurse called back within an hour and said that the doctor would actually like to meet with me in 2 weeks (December 2nd) instead of the standard 4. It's a miracle! A doctor who has time for me?! I kept the appointment set for December 23rd with Dr. No Time For Me, just in case. I also hope to address some of my concerns (monitoring cervix and placental blood flow) with the MFM doctor that I see for my Nuchal Fold screen on December 4th. I like having options. Options are good.

The twice-weekly B6 shots seem to be helping keep my nausea at bay for the majority of the day. I usually start my morning with a cup of ginger tea, and that keeps me going while I rush to get ready for work. I still get a bit queasy in the evening, but the workday has been much more tolerable (and productive!). I'm really blessed to have fantastic co-workers who I've entrusted with the secret of my pregnancy and they've been uber supportive and understanding of my frequent trips for doctor visits, blood draws, etc.

We will be celebrating Thanksgiving with C.'s side of the family today, and I think we'll be letting everyone in on our little secret. (I KNOW it's been killing my MIL to keep quiet!) I'm 11 weeks today and starting to show a little tummy bulge that's not so easy to disguise without looking like a total frumpy mess. I have mixed emotions about letting others know. The pregnancy still feels very new and fragile to me, and sharing it with others makes me a bit uneasy.

I broke-down and rented a digital doppler. Control freak. I know. I just can't help it. I'm in love with this amazing little being growing inside me. Guilty as charged.

Finally, welcome to any ICLW'ers that may stop-in this weekend! Thanks for taking time to visit my little part of the world.

Not Impressed

So I had my very first meeting with new Dr. OB today. In short, I am not impressed. I'm really sad (annoyed?), because she came so highly recommended by not only friends, but also by my hematologist, who I really respect and trust. Are all OB practices insanely overbooked and understaffed?! I'm beginning to think that it's the norm. Strike one was sitting in my drafty gown on the exam table for 30+ minutes before she even entered the room. The nurse also told me before meeting Dr. OB that she'd be doing a cervix check, a breast exam and a mini physical. She did none of the above. She simply wheeled in the ultrasound cart, violated me with the transvag wand, and said "Wow! Someone sure has to go to the bathroom!" I wanted to say: Ummm...yeah lady. I didn't have to go 45 minutes ago when I arrived on time for my appointment, but now that I've had to wait this long to meet you, I DO have to go! I had to traipse across the hall to a bathroom, empty my bladder and repeat process all over again. Maybe I was just totally spoiled by the great ultrasound tech at my RE's office, but she was NOT gentle. She also asked why I was still on my progesterone supplements, to which I explained that the RE recommend that I stay on the Crin.one until 12 weeks. She told me to go ahead and stop whenever because most women just "hate" that stuff. Yup. I hate it. But I hate the thought of not having a LIVING child just a teeny bit more.

The bright spot...getting to see beautiful baby's strong heartbeat and little legs flailing around in his/her half-uterhouse. Baby's CRL was 3.2 cm. Beautiful.


I came prepared with a list of questions for new Dr. OB and was able to ask her about two of the issues before she was "done" with me. I asked about nuchal fold testing, and she did get me hooked-up for testing with a perinatologist in two weeks. I also addressed the issue of incompetent cervix because of my history of D and C's and because there's research that suggests that just having a Müllerian anomaly puts me at higher risk for cervix issues. She totally poo-pooed my concerns, basically said there's nothing you can do about it once it's happened and made it pretty clear that she doesn't believe in cerclages. After exhausting her time with my two inquiries, she told me she'd see me in FIVE WEEKS when I'm at 15 1/2 weeks and left the office without so much as a handshake.

Am I being hyper-sensitive and overly demanding to expect more than a quick once-over with this high risk pregnancy? I absolutely hate that I now have to consider seeking-out another OB, but I think that's the next step. Bottom line is that I just don't feel comfortable with this woman. Do I give her another chance, or is it best to cut ties before seeing her for another visit? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Any and all advice you have to offer would be MUCH appreciated.

All I'm asking for is the ability and support to do absolutely everything in our power to bring a healthy baby into this world. C. and I have fought too hard and cried too many tears NOT to seek out the very best for our precious little one. Is that really too much to expect?

Graduation Day

It's now official! I've graduated from the RE! I had my 9 week ultrasound this morning, and little baby decided to wave its teeny arms at us. C. laughed out loud when he saw the little nubs flailing around. I had to pinch myself. It was amazing. Baby is hanging out upside down right now, measuring at 9 weeks and 4 days with a regular, strong heartbeat. It all feels so surreal. My progesterone is on the rise (23.4) and my HcG was a strong 86,554. No wonder I feel so sick!

I also had my first intake appointment with a nurse at the OB's office, and when she heard how nauseous I've been all day (hence my silence in the blogosphere...I'm so sorry!) she suggested I get B6 shots 2x's weekly. I was all for any attempt to quell the storm that's been brewing in my tummy for the past four weeks! What I wasn't ready for was another near-fainting spell after the shot in my behind, but the nurse had me lay down and she held my legs way up in the air which had me feeling better in no time at all. (That's the most action I've gotten in a long time!) I think my blood pressure was just low this morning and after being stuck for the FOURTH time all before 11 am, my body had enough!

I still in awe that we've made it this far. I'm beyond thankful to be moving forward...slow and steady. I'm learning to enjoying every moment of this journey. I am SO blessed.

He's Here!

Welcome, precious baby Hunter!

My sister had her perfect, beautiful little guy just after 4 p.m. this afternoon. Being the major overachiever that she is...pushed for a grand total of 4 minutes. Momma and baby are both doing great.

Hunter Christian
9 lbs. 2 oz. and 21 3/4 inches

After meeting his big brother, Hayden, my sister wanted me to be the very first to hold him.
One word describes that moment...bittersweet.

Tuesday Tidbits

Hubby and I did our civic duty and cast ballots to "cancel out" one another's vote. We both lie on opposite ends of the political spectrum on most issues. However, I'm never one to vote and tell. I'll let you guess where my loyalties lie. I hate political rhetoric of any kind, but feel strongly about participating in our country's democratic process.

We're still waiting for my sister's "little" guy to arrive. She measuring at 41.5 weeks and I've warned her that babies on our side of the family tend to have huge heads...even bigger when they go past their due date! (Am I an awful sister, or what?!?) The baby still looks great. He passed the NST with flying colors today and she's set for induction on Sunday if he's not here before then. The midwife that she sees insists on stripping her membranes...youch! She's had it done twice now in the past week and a half. Seems a bit overzealous if you ask me. (Personally, would NOT let this lady anywhere near my lady parts. But you did not hear that from me.)

We had a bit of "excitement" with a relative this morning. My uncle's boat sunk while he was fishing alone last night, and it actually caused him to go into cardiac arrest. (His third heart attack.) He was in 50 degree water with just one small life jacket for over an hour. The first rescue team that showed-up didn't even have a boat to go out onto the water and get him. Huh?! He's in a local hospital and stable for the time being, but still very weak. C. and I will be with him tonight. If you think of it, please keep him and his family in your prayers.

*Update*

Uncle has been moved out of the cardiac ICU and hopes to be dicharged some time on Sunday. He still has his great sense of humor...he was very upset that he lost the 5 "monster" fish he had in the boat when it went down, and insisted that someone get him an absentee ballot to vote on Tuesday. He still has a long road to complete recovery, but feels lucky to be alive. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Week At A Glance

Highlights and Not-So-Highlights of our weekend and this insanely busy week:

Sunday:

Expensive wedding (husband's tux rental was nearly 200 dollars?!?) including tons of annoying, drunken guests...over! Car transmission puked on drive home. 90 dollar tow bill. 2000 dollar fix-it bill. Sorry baby. Guess you're going to have to sleep in a cardboard box once you arrive!

Monday:

Second round of photos taken. Speedy little HB was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Growth right-on-track. Back to RE on 11/11 for my third scan. Progesterone holding steady at 16.

Tuesday:
Cried hysterically because I've been so sick in the p.m.'s. Husband frantically tries to comfort me. Buys me Sour Pa.tch Kids. Cried even more.

Wednesday:

Craved a cheeseburger. (I rarely ever eat red meat.) Ate it in bed at 10 pm.

Thursday:

After tossing a bag of dog food into the cart at Tar.get and getting a huge whiff of the stinky stuff, had to abandon all items and sprint to the nearest bathroom to puke. Nice! Thankfully my purse was spared by mere moments.

Friday:

Looking forward to getting home, putting on PJ's, watching husband hand-out candy and snuggling into bed very early! I'm also placing bets on my sister having her baby today. She was 3 cm dilated and 60 percent effaced on Tuesday. She totally DID NOT want to have a Halloween baby...but she's also ready for him to be OUT!

Enjoy the weekend fellow bloggers! Happy Trick-or-Treating!

My Not-So-Gourmet Cravings

I had my very first, bona fide pregnancy-related craving last night. I've been getting really "morning" sick in the evenings. The nausea hits hardest at about 8 pm. So when I told hubby that I actually wanted to eat, it was my super-hero-husband-grocery-store-runner to the rescue! So what was the craving for?! A delicious cut of steak (barf!) or some fresh steamed veggies? Ummm...not so much. My body wanted Spaghetti O's. Plain-old, pre-cooked imposter pasta rings with sloppy tomato sauce. Husband joked that I'd better not overcook them because he knows how delicious Spag O's are when they're perfectly al dente. HarHar! Jol.ly Ran.chers are also one of my new BFF's. They've been my non-puke lifeline at work.

And finally, a great big WELCOME and heartfelt thanks to all of this weeks ICLW visitors! Your kind words have meant so much. I don't know why I didn't participate in this event much sooner. I feel like I've met a whole new family of bloggers!

Memories and Grief

I opened the closet. Yes, the very closet I talked about here. And in doing so, forced myself to revisit many, many sad memories. Tucked away neatly in a plastic bin, sat all of the books on pregnancy, my unworn maternity clothes, the binder I received from the OB's office at my first pre-natal visit in April, the cute little ultrasound frame, the lullaby CD's and a million suppressed emotions. I picked-up the book with the beautiful in-utero pictures of "what your baby looks like now" and I cried. Gut-wrenching sobs. And it was then I realized that nothing about this new pregnancy has lessened the sadness about my loss in May.

I didn't expect for this wave of emotions to completely level me like they did. I thought I had processed and compartmentalized our loss, and that this pregnancy would be fresh, new and uncomplicated. Boy...was I wrong.

Got Milk?

A kajillion (is that a number?!) thank-you’s to all who stopped-by from L&F to weigh-in on the fluctuating progesterone level. I just have to keep telling myself that if Dr. RE isn’t freaking out at this point, I’m not going to freak-out either. It’s all in God’s hands at this point. I can only keep following protocol and pray for the best possible outcome. It was reassuring to see that many of you have had levels that vary widely throughout early pregnancy. Thanks again!


Get this, I also read that milk (yes, milk) can increase serum (blood) levels of progesterone because of the hormone shots that cows are given to stimulate greater milk production! I’m NOT usually a milk drinker…you'll rarely see me without a water bottle…but I stopped and got myself a big jug of NF skim milk after work today. (As gross as it sounds to me at this point, I'll try anything.) I'm sure husband is going to LOVE this little tidbit of information considering he drinks enough milk on a weekly basis to warrant BUYING our own cow to milk.

We have an out-of-town wedding to attend this weekend. Hubby's cousin is getting married and C. is the best man. I managed to find a dress that will cover my sausage-like torso and hopefully not raise any suspicions with C.'s family. News travels like friggin' wildfire with that group of chatty women. We're sharing a room with MIL and FIL (whose genius idea was that?!) and I'm going to have to be stealthy about my hep.arin shots again. I'm just afraid my night-sickness is going to make me a major party-pooper at the reception. I'm also afraid that all the drunken relatives are going to drive my sober-self bonkers. Ahhhh...but sweet little baby, you're SO worth it!

Commence Freak-Out

Today's ultrasound showed our little nugget nestled on the right side of my heart-shaped uter-house, measuring at 6 weeks 1 day...right on target. Based upon the CRL (42 mm) my due date is June 11th. I couldn't actually see it on the US yet, but they were able to measure that our little one already has cardiac activity! It sounds like next Monday we will (probably) be able to see the little "flicker" of its heartbeat. Amazing.

And because nothing about my pregnancies can ever be simple, my progesterone levels have continued to decline. My serum (blood) progesterone is now measuring at 16.7. Down from 24.5 last Monday. Dr. RE noted that the progesterone supplement I'm on isn't reflected in the serum level because it's absorbed locally in the uterus/lining. Gaarrrrrhhhh. So my afternoon at "work" consisted of goog.ling every combination of rising HcG/falling progesterone I could think of. (Not a good idea by the way.) I read here that levels vary greatly in the first trimester, but somehow, that didn't do much to comfort me. My HcG was at 23,826...meaning it has a doubling time of about 66 hours which also appears to be right on-track. Again, if anyone has advice about fluctuating progesterone levels or experience with using Cri.none and measuring levels, I'd be happy to hear what you have to say!

Hep.arin shots are still going smoothly. I've only experienced one additional brush with near-fainting and it occurred this weekend. C. was doing my injection and we were mid-shot (seated) when I began to feel the head-rush/nausea sensation that accompanied my other pass-out episode. I asked C. to hold the needle in place while I completely reclined. He freaked out and took the needle out with about half of my shot left to go. Thanks babe. I really wanted to put yet another hole in my tummy! Oops! Needless to say, for the remainder of the weekend, my shots were administered lying down.

In other news, my sister is about to have her little guy any day now. I scolded her for wanting him to come early so she could skip doing parent-teacher conferences for 15 students this week. I gently reminded her that there are many, many women that beg to be pregnant just one more day...sigh.

On that note, go give Sara and M (two of my fellow Mullerian Anomaly sisters!) some love as they fight the brave fight for their precious babies!

22 dpo: 5w1d

The results from Monday's blood draw are in! Hcg level is now at 4289 but my progesterone has dipped to 25.4. Is it normal for progesterone levels to fluctuate this much? I suppose they can when you're supplementing? I just can't mentally handle a consult with Dr. Google right now. If you have thoughts or comments about a similar experience...please weigh-in!

First ultrasound (6 weeks) will be Monday 10/20 at 8am. Eeeeeek!

I had a mild case of "vasovagal syncope" last night while I was giving myself a hep.arin injection. Thank goodness hubby was home to catch me and pull the needle out. He said I dropped like a brick. Scary! The PA at hemo's office said it's fairly common and that I should lie down while doing the shots from now on. Sounds like I need to invest in a fainting couch. (Think they would let me write that off as a medical device?!)

It's Official. Hubby is 30 and I'm a Beeotch.

Husband has now officially exited his 20's...and I'm next in line. Eeeek! At least it will be a few more months before I have to cross into that decade of my life. Because C. shares a birthday with my dad, we celebrated Friday with extended family at my parent's house. My mom (in her usual style) went all-out with a sports themed challenge. It was hilarious. We were all asked to arrive in our favorite sporting attire. She found one of C.'s college football jerseys and my dusted-off my dad's high school baseball uniform for each to wear. The "All Sports Challenge" got underway after a cheer from my very pregnant sister and her adorable 2 year-old. (Envision: 38 weeks pregnant, sporting a modified cheerleader skirt and pigtails!) I think the cheer included a line about canes and prescription meds. We then competed in 8 different events including the dizzy bat spin, putt putt golf, toy car racing and thumb-wrestle mania, among others. My mom, donning referee gear and a whistle, even had ribbons for each participant. C. only rounded-up 11 points, so he received the "I Did My Best!" ribbon. The evening was capped-off with a football piñata and donut cake...C.'s favorite. He asks for one every time his birthday rolls around, and this is the first year anyone has been able to locate a bakery that still makes them. Go mom! It was a memorable (exhausting!) evening.

Because extended family at the party included C.'s parents, BIL, SIL, their two kids and two dogs, we had overnight company this weekend. I hadn't anticipated everyone staying with us, but I also wanted to let C. have family close for his big day. I always stress when we have company. It means more cooking, more cleaning, more noise and chaos and 12 muddy doggy paws running around the house instead of the normal 4. 3 1/2 year-old nephew is not potty trained yet and the last time we had them stay with us, one of the parents put a messy diaper outside the back door and their dogs ripped into it and spread it all over the back yard. Blech. This time, he would go hide in a corner and "do his job" while saying "don't look at me!" I'm sorry if this sounds incredibly judgmental, but this little guy is almost 4 years old!?! Nephew is always really rough with Duke, and it makes Duke nervous and incredibly on-edge (me too!). Poor Duke even got a punch to the nose without so much as a second look from nephew's parents. All of the responsibility for the kids gets dumped-off on my FIL and MIL. They sleep in their bedroom, feed/dress/entertain them while BIL and SIL sit on the couch and watch TV. This meant the kids went to bed at 12 am and awoke promptly at 6 am. This was the perfect recipe for a very crabby 3 and 6 year-old! Company also meant being very stealthy about my shots and trying to pretend like I'm not overly tired, crabby and pukey. Added stress is NOT what I need right now. Ok, I promise the tiny violins have now stopped playing.

I think part of the problem is that the progesterone supplements (Crin.one) are kicking my behind. I cry more. LOTS more. I often have the strong desire to punch people directly in the throat. I crave pizza and fresh bread. I'm gassy and bitchy. I'm sure I'm a real *treat* to be around! So that being said...I apologize in advance to anyone who crosses my path at this point in my pregnancy. I swear I don't usually give perfect strangers the look of death. Really, I don't.

I'm currently 5 weeks preggers. My third beta is scheduled for Monday morning...yipeee! I'll be sure to update with my stats once I have them in-hand.

A GIGANTIC thank you, once again, to everyone who took time to leave words of encouragement. Each sentiment is very special to me. I hope everyone has been able to enjoy their weekend...it's been rainy and blah here in my part of the world. Hopefully you enjoyed sunshine.

Moving In The Right Direction

Just a quick update.

Yesterday's beta results...210 at 15 dpo. Appears to be doubling every 28 hours. Progesterone jumped to 38.5. Have to stay on Crin.one for now. Dose of hep.arin upped to 12,000 units twice daily. Third beta scheduled for 10/13.

Bathroom Shenanigans

Duke said he's really excited about our news. Can you tell? This is his very best "I'm a happy-dog" face:


Last night, we celebrated some of our family's October birthdays at my sister's house. I knew we'd be there past the time I needed to do my evening shot of hepa.rin, so I made sure to bring all the supplies with me. As C. and I tried to maneuver in the teeny little bathroom, he said "I sure hope they don't think we're trying to do 'it' in here!" The fact that I was practicing deep breathing to relax probably didn't help matters any either. I'm guessing that everyone wondered why we needed to be in there together...even though we tried to be as stealthy as possible! Ideally, we want to keep all of the news under-wraps for a few more weeks. (Although my mom is already in on the secret.)

8 of the 550+ shots of hep that I'll need during pregnancy are now in the books. So what have I learned about my protocol? My right side is much less sensitive to injections than my left. I have learned that it is very important to adequately ice before giving myself a shot. (One bruise where I didn't heed this rule is nearly the size of a tennis ball.) I've learned that I love sleeping-in even MORE than I thought was humanly possible. My shots have to be given at 8 and 8, so that meant crawling out of bed at 7:45 on Saturday and Sunday morning to ice, prep and shoot-up. I guess it's just good practice for actually having to wake with a child before noon on the weekends! I've also learned that C. would be a pretty darn cute male nurse.

I had my first beta and progesterone check on Thursday at 11 dpo. My beta was 20 and my progesterone was 18.5. The nurse said they usually like to see the progesterone closer to 20, so now I'm on once a day Crin.one along with 11,000 units of hep twice daily. I guess the true test will be tomorrow when I go back in for my second beta. I'm trying not to get too attached to this pregnancy just yet. Ugh. I hate how cold and callous that sounds. Is it possible for this feeling to pass before you actually have a happy, healthy baby in your arms?

Finally, thank you for all of the well-wishes that you sent after my last post! It just reinforces how absolutely amazing my blogger buddies are! Wishing you all a wonderful start to the week.

It's Go Time!

Do you see what I see?

How about now?



Alright body. Listen up. It's game-on. There's no doubt that I'm fighting for this baby.

Tagged!

I yearbooked myself! This was GREAT fun...once I tracked-down a picture of me without bangs or sunglasses. That was difficult. I didn't realize that I'm usually wearing one or the other in EVERY picture of me! I also have a very oblong face, so I think the pictures cut-off part of my chin...sexy, huh?! Thanks to this one for keeping my mind occupied during my 2 ww!

Oooooh! Jean vest...sweet!

And because C. laughed at all my pictures, I yearbooked him! Ha!

Join in the fun (no pressure)! I'm going to tag meg, Hope2morrow and courtney.

Into The Spin Cycle

Well, Fer.tility Frie.nd says that I am officially “in the wait.” This is my very first qualified "wait" and I’m already going stir-crazy. I'm even dreaming about taking pregnancy tests. Last night in my dream, I accidentally spit on the tests instead of peeing on them. I started crying hysterically because I thought I ruined the only two tests I had on-hand! My hat is off to those who have cycled for months, if not YEARS. You all deserve a monumental prize, a gold metal and a truck load of chocolate. Does it ever get any easier?

FF is telling me to start testing at 19 DPO, which would be October 10th…which coincidentally happens to be my husband’s 30th birthday. But of course, you know I’ll be testing well before that. There's NO WAY I can wait that long, even if it means disappointment. Any idea why they would be telling me to hold-off testing until 19 DPO? As if this wasn't enough of an arsenal for TTC, I had to go and get another bottle of sperm-friendly lube this weekend and then decided to get some of these just in case!

Husband surprised me with these beautiful pink roses when he came home from work tonight. I love him so much. He never fails to make me smile.


In the midst of all of the waiting, I'm trying my best to rediscover my optimistic side. It's been tucked away (along with my heart) for far too long. How about you? How do you work to remain upbeat during your journey through IF? What keeps disappointment from overwhelming who you are and what you've become after loss/testing/treatment?

“It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis."

—Margaret Bonnano

Ready or Not...

I apologize for the lapse in posting and commenting. We've been getting busy...ummm...I mean busy at our household this weekend! Currently on CD 17 and husband is loving my new-found passion for intimacy. I feel guilty that it has taken my pursuit of baby to initiate intimacy with him. I have no excuse NOT to make time for him now! Does anyone else struggle with feelings of guilt about intimacy when TTC?

On Saturday morning, I participated in a 5K called "A Walk for Hope" to raise adoption awareness. I walked the 3.2 miles with my mom, my sister and my adorable 2 year-old nephew. It was a great event to raise money for a couple (my sister teaches with the wife) who is unable to have children of their own. Early in life, the husband had to undergo a double lung transplant and has been on anti-rejection medications that affect his fertility. This woman married a man she knew would never be able to get her pregnant. She is only 25 years old. Wow. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but I'm not sure I could do that. The biological drive to create life is such a strong thing! They both have a heart for international adoption, and have chosen to adopt from Ethiopia. The walk made me begin to question my views of growing our family through adoption. Up to this point, C. and I have casually discussed the topic, but determined that we want to pursue creating our own family for a few more years before considering adoption or surrogacy. After talking with other couples who are in the process of adopting, or have adopted, my heart has been opened to the possibility. More on that in days to come.

And finally, some closure about my miscarriage which occurred in May, yes May. I requested my pathology reports from the D and C months and months ago, and just when I had almost forgotten about even asking for them, they arrived in the mailbox Friday afternoon. Just two plain white pieces of printer paper, titled with "products of conception." Not...was a baby, could have been a baby, no embryo or the like. But a "product." It brought me rushing back to that moment all over again. I was almost tempted for a moment to tell C. that I wasn't ready to try again. (Even though it's likely too late to stop that train.) The awful feeling of dread that rushed over me the morning of May 16th crept back into my heart. What if my body is just going to reject any future pregnancy like it did before? What if I'm opening my heart just to have it crushed into a million little pieces all over again? Am I really ready to dive in? Are you ever really prepared to dive in after loss and disappointment? Can I trust my body? For that matter, am I ready to surrender my fears and give control to the One who knows our heart's desires? After some crying, some soul-searching and some prayer, I think I can say...yes. I'm going to do this. We're going to do this...ready or not.

A Midweek Meme

Happy Hump Day! After some remodeling/renovating/redecorating of my blog this weekend, I think this is the design I'm going to stick with. What do ya'll think?

Just because I laughed myself silly when I read this on this one's blog, I had to participate. Pass it on!

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Dusty Montero

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Mint Wedges (That's right! Don't even think about messing with Mint Wedges!)

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Sky Blue Dog

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Faith Ames

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Mitme

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Eggplant Water (Not sure what' s so super about that?)

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Earl Jerome (Now just say that with a southern drawl...right?)

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Romance Starburst (Maybe a topless dancer...?!?)

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Striker San Antonio (Now back to you at the news desk, Striker!)

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Summer Tulip

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Blueberry Sports Bra

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Toast(y) Birch

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Dusty Seventeen

Can Infertility Be Funny?

First, I have to thank everyone that dropped-by from Lost and Found to share their experiences with blood thinners during pregnancy. Your thoughts, comments and well-wishes were so kind! You each gave me a different perspective, and I’m so grateful for your insight. Thanks!

I was scheduled to meet with my RE, Dr. D today. However, when I arrived at her office, the receptionist informed me that it was a “procedure” day at clinic and that Dr. D was running an hour behind schedule. She asked if C. and I would mind meeting with the other (male) RE at the practice. Not wanting to keep C. or myself away from work for too long, I reluctantly agreed. I had prepped for the meeting by typing-up a list of questions about timing intercourse, BBT, ovulation, progesterone shots and blood thinners.

While we were trying to keep ourselves entertained to pass the time, C. jokingly told me to put the pens and reproductive models in my purse…so we at least had something tangible to show for our visit! We waited about 25 minutes for new RE (Dr. C) and his nurse practitioner to join us in the room. Compared to my uber-professional and matter-of-fact Dr. D, new RE was soooooooo laid back. (Almost TOO laid-back, in my opinion, but maybe that’s just my Type A self talking.) I presented my list of questions to mister new RE, and for dramatic effect, I’ve included an excerpt of the ensuing conversation here:

Me: I’d like to know your opinion/suggestions on timing of sex during my cycle. Every day before ovulation? Every other day?

Dr. C: Hmmm…how about we ask C. how often he’d like to have intercourse? (ha, ha)

C: I regularly donate plasma and I’m wondering if I should refrain from doing that while we’re TTC. What do you think?

Dr. C: Not unless donating makes you too tired to perform. (ha, ha)

Me: Do you have the results of any of the blood tests that were preformed by Dr. Hemo last week? Do you have a copy of my lipid panel results?

Dr. C: Ahhhh. Ummmm. (looks over at NP as if she's supposed to know how to answer this) All of the labs other than the Factor V were normal? Right? Your lipid panel looks really great…you should hang it up on your fridge.

For the majority of the visit, the NP stared blankly across the room. I figured I was pretty boring stuff compared to the baby-making lab and IVF patients. She didn't seem interested in me or my concerns in the least. Mister new RE finished the conversation by pointing to my notes and saying: “Did we answer all of those?” I felt like a moron. Again, maybe it was just my hyper-organized, strong-willed, Type A personality kicking-in, but I was annoyed!

We left his office after about a 15 minute conversation. I then enjoyed a yummy lunch with my sweet hubby and went immediately back to work and emailed Dr. D my unanswered questions. I am thanking God that I was paired with her for the diagnosis of my Müllerian anomaly and thrombophilia. I don’t believe that our meeting was an accident.

In non-fertility related news, C. finished his 5K in 28 minutes last weekend and brought home a snazzy medallion. He also ran the 1K kid’s run with my 6 year-old niece. Too cute! He’s headed to a NFL football game with the guys this weekend, leaving me and “Monkey” (one of our misc. names for Duke) home on our own. I’m actually looking forward to the time sans husband, and a chance to finally enjoy a clean house! I may tackle some minor interior touch-up painting if I’m feeling ambitious on Saturday. Other than that, I’m going to start my caffeine detox and sleep lots (one of my mostest favorite things to do!).

T-minus 4 days until the “official” baby making extravaganza begins. And you’d better believe I’m ready! What do you think…am I’m prepared enough?!

Thanks again to all who take the time to read and comment…have a peaceful weekend!

Tampons, Temping and My F*%@in' Insurance

This is the last month I want to have to use any of these for a very, very long time!

AF arrived today (CD 31)…and I couldn’t be happier. This is the start of our first "official" TTC cycle after our loss in May. I just ordered ovulation monitors and early pregnancy tests and the Pr.eSe.ed that was suggested by our RE. I’d highly recommend this website for ordering cheap HPT in bulk…great prices and free shipping. It still doesn’t feel real that after all of our medical tests, we’re actually going to be “doing this”...playing for keeps! My last pregnancy, although we weren’t actively preventing, wasn’t really planned. But after the loss and subsequent testing, I mentally feel like I’m in a good place right now. I’m ready for this. I want this more than ever. I’m ready to FIGHT for a baby.

I had my first appointment with Dr. Hemo yesterday. It was an exhausting medical marathon that included bounding from office to pharmacy to lab and to pharmacy and back to office again. In total, we were at the hospital for over three hours. Dr. Hemo sat with C. and I and took nearly five pages of notes on everything from my early medical background to my cousin’s and aunt’s and uncle’s family histories to noting details from each of my losses and mental health status. He was very reassuring and hopeful that our new protocol will be successful. I’ve been given strict orders to drink NO…ZERO…ZIP…alcohol (Booo!), avoid ibuprofen/naproxen, and scale-back my daily supplement regimen (only allowed a pre-natal multi and baby aspirin for now). From this point on, whenever I travel, I have to get up at least once every hour and walk around. If I plan to be on a flight lasting longer than three hours, I have to take prophylactic blood thinning shots. Hmmm…what else am I forgetting?

He informed me that my insurance “isn’t very good at all” when it comes to covering the meds I’ll need during pregnancy. Groan. Unfortunately, insurance only covers a small portion of the cost of the blood thinner Lov.enox, meaning we would have to pay $500/month out-of-pocket if I choose to use that brand. On the other hand, insurance does cover He.parin. Dr. Hemo called Hep.arin the “K.Mart brand.” Hep.arin is a 2x's daily shot versus 1x daily with the Lov.enox. So over the course of a 40 week pregnancy (God willing!) that would be 560 shots in my stomach versus 280. Big difference, right?! It's also appealing to use Lov.enox because of the pre-loaded syringes. So the million dollar question I pose to my fellow clotting mutants is this:

Is there a big difference (besides dosing) with Lov and Hep? Would I be wise to spend the additional money out-of-pocket for the Lov? What kind of experiences have you had with Lov versus Hep?

My hemo is prescribing a dose of 50mg 2x's daily of Hep as soon as I have a positive HPT. It’s very apparent that he wants to be proactive about my treatment. Yipeee for Dr. Hemo! I’ve been advised to call his office within an HOUR of a positive HPT. I have a standing-order at the pharmacy for my blood thinners, and I’ll be doing bi-weekly or weekly blood draws for the first few months. The nurse went through all of the do's and don'ts of how to fill syringes and proper injection protocol. It all felt so surreal. We're really going to do this?!

C. and I will meet with Dr. D (my RE) next Friday the 12th to go over final details. According to Fertility Friend, I can expect to ovulate somewhere around the 18th. Hopefully. My chart was all over the place last month. Maybe it was because I wasn’t very consistent about taking my temps? I'm hopeful that I’ll have success with the ovulation monitors I ordered. Any tips/tricks to share with me?

Before I sign-off for the weekend, I want to send some love to my hubby. He's running a 5K this weekend...one that we ran together last year at this time. I'm sad that he'll be running without me, but I'll be there cheering him on! Love you honey! And to all my fellow IF'ers in the blogosphere...have a fantastic weekend! *hugs*

No Time To Say Goodbye

This has been a trying week...just capped-off by two bits of really sad news.

My dear friend Kerry, who was diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome last fall after her second miscarriage, has just suffered another loss. I am so sad for her. She was following new protocol: blood thinners and IVIg treatments, and was really hopeful that this would be the one. This miscarriage was also taxing on her body. The hospital did a CAT scan because they feared she had a blood clot in her brain or spinal meningitis from the IVIg infusion. (scary!) We love you Ker, and we're praying for answers for you...soon.

Second, our dear little Rex, has been shipped-off to a farm in South Dakota. I'm still in shock. We didn't even get to say goodbye. C. and I knew that my sister and her husband were feeling a bit overwhelmed with the prospect of soon having two kids under the age of 3 along with a hyper-active doggy to care for. They mentioned they may look for a different home for Rex back in March, but we hadn't heard any more on the topic since then. I was informed of his departure via this note left in our mailbox when I came home from work today:

I was certain he had been killed. Why else would someone leave a message like this?! I frantically called my sister (no answer) my mom (no clue what the note meant) and then my BIL. He reassured me that Rex was not dead, but he went on to explain that Rex left earlier this afternoon (what?!). He said I could call and talk with sis, but she was pretty "emotional" because she's "knocked-up." Ummm...yeah...I'm holding back sobs here too buddy. We WOULD have been Rex's family. Heck, we WERE his family for a whole year while my sis and bil lived in an apartment that didn't allow pets. I want to understand. I'm trying to understand. And I'm so tired of facing loss.

So I've decided that this post is dedicated to all of those who have left our lives before we even got a chance to say goodbye.

Please Don't Forget Those Left Behind

Someone who should know better...

At work, a gal who has gone through at least 2 IVF cycles (that I know of) is sending out a date of birth/sex of the baby prediction spreadsheet/pool.

Her due date is 2 weeks behind what mine *would* have been.

Sigh. I would have guessed she would know better...or not.

Opening Doors

I have been buried at work this week…hence my neglect of blogging and commenting. And for that, I’m really sorry faithful blogger buddies!

I’m still undecided about further diagnostics to confirm my BU/SU status. C. believes that we should trust Dr. D’s opinion, and move forward with the hematologist and *hopefully* get the green light to go ahead and start trying again with blood thinners and baby aspirin. However, to leave my options open, I’ve requested my medical records from the hospital that did my D and C’s (HSG, pathology, ultrasounds) and I’m planning to send all of this information off for a second opinion. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to have any what-if's left on the table for future attempts. It would break my heart to know there was something, be it ever so slight, that I could have done to increase the likelihood of a viable pregnancy. I don’t think I could live with that.

I also forgot to mention that Dr. D ordered about nine bazillon different blood tests when I was in for my saline sono last week. I donated 12 vials (Yes, 12!) vials of blood. Can you say arm turning blue and numb from the tourniquet?! I really appreciated how proactive she wanted to be with my treatment. She explained that many of the blood tests that Dr. Hemo would order had to be sent-off to the Mayo Clinic labs for processing, and the results usually come back within two weeks. Dr. D also explained that she couldn't promise that she'd cover every test Dr. Hemo needed, but that it would be a good start and would eliminate another two week wait after my appointment in September. I’m still waiting to hear-back on those results. She also asked if I’d like to have my and C.’s chromosomes analyzed, and I thought, why not, right?! These were her exact words: “With both a uterine anomaly and a congenital blood clotting disorder, it would be highly unlikely for you to have a chromosomal condition too.” I wanted to say, just wait lady, the lab is going to come back and say: “Ummm…yeah…this ‘woman’ has an exact chromosomal match to a cat.”

In other matters and gripes, I really thought I liked living in a college town. But now that we live in a neighborhood between a major university and a smaller, liberal arts college (my alma mater!), I’m finding myself annoyed by the increased foot traffic, increased vehicle traffic, increased noise and the onslaught of hootchie-mama attire parading past our house! I asked C. if the level of my annoyance means I’m getting old…and the answer was a resounding YES! I’m only 6 years removed from my college experience, and already I have an intolerance for loud teens and early twenty-somethings. Eeeeek! The only redeeming aspect: we live in a climate where the girls HAVE to dress in layers once November/December rolls around.

*~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*

As I mentioned in one of my first posts, C. and I purchased a home that was already all decked-out with a little kid’s room. I figured we’d leave it as-is for a year and redecorate once we added little ones to our clan. However, after our loss, having to look at the room and its contents makes me really sad. It houses the changing table my mom bought us even before we were “trying” for kiddos (I thanked her for the nice “book shelf”), an exer.saucer, baby tub and baby swing inherited from my in-laws and my childhood stuffed animals, books and quilts.




My unworn maternity clothes still hang in that closet, price tags yet to be removed. The lullaby CDs, ultrasound frame, baby books and "Expecting" Willo.w Tree An.gel are stuffed into a plastic bin…out of sight, out of mind?


For now, I just shut the door, and try to forget what it looks like and all that it contains. It is my strongest desire and deepest hope that we get to open that (literal and figurative) door in the very near future.

Finally, a few shout-outs before I sign-off for the weekend:
Go congratulate A Maybe Story on the purchase of her new house…which, by the way, I’m totally envious of!
And if you haven't already, go give Meredith some love…she’s on bedrest in the hospital and needs your encouragement.

Am I being a pain in the...

Everything with the saline sonogram on Wednesday went very well. I was left feeling like I’m in really good hands with Dr. D and her team. I made sure that I took about 800 mg of Ad.vil before the procedure, and other than some mild cramping, it was basically painless. (Unlike “the incident” that occurred during my HSG.) I was able to watch the sonogram as they preformed it…there was a flat-screen monitor for me to watch up on the wall. I went back to work right after the procedure.

After the procedure, I sat with Dr. D and discussed the findings. She is fairly certain that my uterus is indeed, bicornuate. My only regret is that I wish I would have come prepared with more questions! I guess I just assumed that they were going to find a septum, so I didn’t bring all my research with me. Being the worrier that I am, I emailed Dr. D yesterday around 8 p.m. with some questions I had about the saline sonogram done on Wednesday.

Get this...SHE called me back this afternoon with answers. Not her nurse...not some random office staff member...HER! She gave me the option of doing an MRI to confirm the diagnosis, but at this point, she said she's about 99 percent sure that my uterus is bicornuate. The only 100% certainty would be to do surgery, and in her words "it would be a lot of risk without much return." She also said we can request a 2nd opinion from Mayo or the U of Michigan if that would put my mind at ease. This made me conclude that my RE officially ROCKS! But I really need to know...should I pursue an MRI or laporoscopy? Help!




On a lighter note, we’ve been watching Rex (the puppy on the left), Duke’s younger brother, this week. I posted both pictures because it was a major undertaking to get them to "sit" next to one another! Rex belongs to my sister and her husband. The “boys” went to doggy-swim at the park last night. Our local parks and recreation group holds the event on the night before they close the pools for the season, as a fundraiser for a local dog park. It was a blast! If it ends-up that I cannot have kids, I want to fill our home with doggies...no doubt!

Remembering and Rambling

Have I mentioned how much I love my mom? Well, I do. She sent C. a beautiful card in remembrance of his cousin. I know C. battles with faith and salvation and why God allows terrible things to happen to good people and I’m often at a loss when it comes to answering his questions about life and death and forgiveness and sin. But somehow, my mom managed to sum-up many of the thoughts that have been running through my mind over the past week…many of the things that I’ve been unable to explain to C. after G.’s death. I love how she always seems to have the right words to communicate her emotions. She is a role model and my rock. An excerpt from her letter:

“It’s so hard to accept when someone, anyone struggles to this degree and we are powerless to help. We don’t know what G.’s last words to God might have been, but God does. He loved him and held him.”

C. asked me last night if we can start trying again if my saline sonogram on Wednesday confirms a bicornuate diagnosis. I reminded him that I have an appointment with Dr. K, the hematologist, in September, and that we’d probably be advised to wait, even if I’m not required to have surgery for a uterine septum. For the first time, I think I actually saw disappointment in his eyes. It absolutely rips my heart out to see him hurt. I often get so stalled in my own miserable feelings that I forget he’s sharing this journey with me. He needs my encouragement and love just as much as I need emotional support and a gentle hand from him. How about you? How do you cheer-on your significant other during this IF journey?

I feel like I've been a broken record as of late. I've turned into one big bummer, bummer, bummer. Mel’s now a giant buzz kill. (Debbie Downer, anyone?) My posting has been positively uninspired. I think the problem is that I’m still looking for my inspiration. Thoughts and dreams of being a mommy feel so far away, so I’m not even able to grasp for that yet. My faith feels so small and insignificant. I’ve let my relationship with God dwindle to scattered prayers and tears for mercy. I look for comfort in food, in material things, in accomplishments and in people, and I’m left empty and wanting. How do you move forward when “letting go and letting God” feels like an impossibility?

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my SHG. I will update on the results when I receive them.

Is There Always Hope?

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to attend the funeral today. C. was fine with me skipping-out. He actually said he didn’t want me to go. I think he senses how emotionally fragile I am right now. I know he catches me tearing-up while watching emotionally-charged TV shows like Hop.kins and Inter.vention (two of my current favorites). C. asked me this morning: “What do you say at a funeral like this?” I had no response. In my opinion, there is always hope of redemption...even after suicide. C.’s cousin (G.) had struggled with depression and substance abuse for years. I think the last straw was his wife filing for divorce and taking their two children back home to live with her parents. My heart aches for those kids. My heart aches for the hopelessness that G. must have felt.

As I mentioned in my previous post, AF made her appearance on Tuesday night. So bright and early on Wednesday morning I called the RE’s office and was scheduled for my saline sonogram next Wednesday the 13th. Surprisingly, I think that the diagnosis of my Mullerian anomaly has taken a back seat to all of the immune and blood testing that I’m going to be subjected to in September when I see the hematologist. I’m not even sure the RE is going to suggest that we actively try to get pregnant until after our consult with Dr. K. The prospect of waiting until October or November (or longer) to start TTC is really defeating. I hate wishing-away time. I want to learn to live in and for today…but is that ever really attainable? How do you learn to change your focus from the long term to the short term when you're taught all your life to focus on the "big picture"...? Is there a way to balance the two mentalities?

At the party last Saturday night, all of the “girls” were talking about their kids, and inevitably asked if C. and I had any of our own. When I replied “not yet,” I got this response: “Ahhhh…why not?! C. would be such a good daddy!” I wanted to reply: “Yup. I know. Thanks for making me feel even more inadequate as a wife.” I swear. I’m going to write a book on babyloss etiquette.

It seems like almost every blog I faithfully follow has been graced with a pregnancy lately. I’m trying to be excited for the new mommies-to-be, but it’s beyond difficult when infertility and tests and the unknown surround me every day like a big dark blanket. I want to cover my head and cry and emerge when this all has passed.

We're headed-back to the lake this weekend for a get-together with my side of the family. It's going to be really difficult not to be jealous of my sister's adorable, round, pregnant belly. She's one of the cute, non-puffy preggers mommies. I can't help but think we could have been pregnant at the same time. We should have had babies within months of one another. Can you tell I'm in a funk right now?

Finally, I'd like to send some love over to Nity at I Believe In Miracles. She's been such a faithful blogger buddy and she'll be taking "the test" this weekend.

Weekend Updates

Highlights from our extended weekend...

Visiting a liquor store and entering a busy bar wearing this (for an explanation see this post):

Catching this baseball thrown from Ben Francisco after a pop-fly out in the 6th inning:

Dog-hair-free bed and actually being to cuddle with my husband
Naked hot-tubbing (Yeeeeeehaw! No pictures of that one, I promise!)
Riding some GREAT roller coasters
Enjoying waterslides at the water park on a 90 degree day
AF’s arrival on CD 33
Appointment for a saline sonogram set for Wednesday, August 13th

Low-light of the weekend...
News that C.’s 39 year-old cousin committed suicide.

More on all of the above in days to come.