I apologize for the lapse in posting and commenting. We've been getting busy...ummm...I mean busy at our household this weekend! Currently on CD 17 and husband is loving my new-found passion for intimacy. I feel guilty that it has taken my pursuit of baby to initiate intimacy with him. I have no excuse NOT to make time for him now! Does anyone else struggle with feelings of guilt about intimacy when TTC?
And finally, some closure about my miscarriage which occurred in May, yes May. I requested my pathology reports from the D and C months and months ago, and just when I had almost forgotten about even asking for them, they arrived in the mailbox Friday afternoon. Just two plain white pieces of printer paper, titled with "products of conception." Not...was a baby, could have been a baby, no embryo or the like. But a "product." It brought me rushing back to that moment all over again. I was almost tempted for a moment to tell C. that I wasn't ready to try again. (Even though it's likely too late to stop that train.) The awful feeling of dread that rushed over me the morning of May 16th crept back into my heart. What if my body is just going to reject any future pregnancy like it did before? What if I'm opening my heart just to have it crushed into a million little pieces all over again? Am I really ready to dive in? Are you ever really prepared to dive in after loss and disappointment? Can I trust my body? For that matter, am I ready to surrender my fears and give control to the One who knows our heart's desires? After some crying, some soul-searching and some prayer, I think I can say...yes. I'm going to do this. We're going to do this...ready or not.
On Saturday morning, I participated in a 5K called "A Walk for Hope" to raise adoption awareness. I walked the 3.2 miles with my mom, my sister and my adorable 2 year-old nephew. It was a great event to raise money for a couple (my sister teaches with the wife) who is unable to have children of their own. Early in life, the husband had to undergo a double lung transplant and has been on anti-rejection medications that affect his fertility. This woman married a man she knew would never be able to get her pregnant. She is only 25 years old. Wow. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but I'm not sure I could do that. The biological drive to create life is such a strong thing! They both have a heart for international adoption, and have chosen to adopt from Ethiopia. The walk made me begin to question my views of growing our family through adoption. Up to this point, C. and I have casually discussed the topic, but determined that we want to pursue creating our own family for a few more years before considering adoption or surrogacy. After talking with other couples who are in the process of adopting, or have adopted, my heart has been opened to the possibility. More on that in days to come.
And finally, some closure about my miscarriage which occurred in May, yes May. I requested my pathology reports from the D and C months and months ago, and just when I had almost forgotten about even asking for them, they arrived in the mailbox Friday afternoon. Just two plain white pieces of printer paper, titled with "products of conception." Not...was a baby, could have been a baby, no embryo or the like. But a "product." It brought me rushing back to that moment all over again. I was almost tempted for a moment to tell C. that I wasn't ready to try again. (Even though it's likely too late to stop that train.) The awful feeling of dread that rushed over me the morning of May 16th crept back into my heart. What if my body is just going to reject any future pregnancy like it did before? What if I'm opening my heart just to have it crushed into a million little pieces all over again? Am I really ready to dive in? Are you ever really prepared to dive in after loss and disappointment? Can I trust my body? For that matter, am I ready to surrender my fears and give control to the One who knows our heart's desires? After some crying, some soul-searching and some prayer, I think I can say...yes. I'm going to do this. We're going to do this...ready or not.
3 comments:
Oh Mel... I'm so proud of you. I love the picture of you jumping in!! Go for it.
Definitely feel guilt of intimacy... it is super hard to balance just wanting to have fun and having "timed" fun.
I know someone who got into a relationship knowing her husband couldn't have biological kids. They ended up using donor sperm and have a beautiful child. It's a very personal decision on what to do. I don't think you can ever make it unless you're at that point.
**HUGS**
I'm glad that you are starting to get a little bit of closure - although I'm sure that something like that changes us so much we never truly have absolute closure, only moving forward instead. Very cool that you did the walk - what a nice thing to do. I hope you had a good "busy" weekend at your house. You have no idea how much I'm keeping my fingers crossed and pulling for you...for some reason I get all of these really strong almost intense emotional feelings for any of my fellow abnormal ute (MA)girls and want you to succeed and have nothing but good results when it comes to TTC, pregnancy, or anything. Maybe it's because we have that odd ball connection, you think? Anyways - hang in there, I'm really pulling for you guys over the next few months. And yes - intimacy and TTC or timed cycles- I feel like I could write a book about how I felt with all that. I found my feelings the most crazy when I would work a 16 hour shift - get home at midnight and have to wake my husband up to "have some fun." Ahhh- intimacy took a little work on those nights, but it is so worth it in the end! Best of luck and lots of hugs!!!
Wow! So many emotions in this post. Sorry I've been absent for a while. I'm trying to get caught back up.
I'm glad you feel good about trying again. It has to be in our hearts, for sure.
There is always guilt on my part of TTC, but it is more for my lack of a sex drive than anything else. My guilt is my own, meaning Babe does NOT make me feel guilty in any way. I just feel like I can't provide a child for him, so why even have sex? I know this is an emotional issue I need to deal with, but I feel better knowing others have struggles in this area too.
Good luck with this cycle!
Post a Comment