First of all, a great BIG thanks to everyone who took the time to weigh-in on the septate versus bicornuate issue. It has definitely assured me that getting a referral to the RE was the right step to take. Right now, it feels like Monday the 21st is ages away…it’s all that consumes my every thought during the day and haunts me while I lie awake at night. Will this RE be able to give me the confidence to place my reproductive future in her hands? Will she be willing to listen to each of my questions and concerns? Does she have the experience and expertise to correctly diagnose my anomaly? Any words of wisdom as I prepare for this appointment and attempt to expedite the wait would be more than appreciated.
Today, I decided that I want to reflect on my relationship with my mom.
Growing up, I knew that my mom had fertility issues. I always adored when my parents lovingly told the story of how they chose my middle name (Faith). I knew that my mom lost a full-term baby girl, Melinda, to placental abruption in the 8 year span between my older brother’s birth and my birth. What I didn’t know was the actual number of times she had experienced loss in that 8 year period.
After my miscarriage, I was (and I still am) incredibly hungry for information. I talked, I mean really talked, to my mom for the first time about her experiences with pregnancy and loss. I had no idea the pain she’s quietly carried all of these years. In my humble opinion, it’s tough, if not impossible to understand the pain of miscarriage and loss unless you’ve experienced it first hand.
A few weeks ago, after we had planted beautiful “memory” flowers in the yard, she shared that she had also experienced a loss at 5 months and several other very early losses during her TTC journey. She drove hundreds of miles to see doctors who counseled her to “just keep trying.” Wow. She was not offered any sort of medical intervention. She also managed to wait 8 years…YES…8 years for me. I found myself counting the months since my loss…May, June, July…just three months feels like it's been an eternity to wait. How had she done it? How had she survived all of these losses and yet emerged from the experiences the spunky, ever-optimistic, over-achieving “MooMoo” that I know today?
To this point, my only conclusion is that the answer can be found encrypted in my middle name. Faith. She believed that God's ways were perfect, and that He ultimately held all the plans for her life in His hands. WHY is that so hard for me to do? Why can’t I surrender MY short-sighted plans for His perfect design?
I now feel that I am able to identify with my mom on a level that I’d never imagined I would just a few short months ago. We've always been close (although I am a self-affirmed daddy's girl), but I see her, and ADMIRE her, in a whole new way. And even though I wish neither of us would have this pain to carry, I’m beginning to realize that there is hope. God has promised us good and God is faith-ful.
4 comments:
This is a beautiful post. I never talked to my mom about our struggles and regret missing out on that. I wish you a lot of luck with your RE.
Alright, you have me crying right now - this is such a beautiful and honestly written post. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. One of the names at the top of our list for girls names is Grace and it's because I feel like it's by the grace of God that not only did we get pregnant from our less than perfect IVF cycle, but also by his grace that we're still pregnant when we really shouldn't be. I hope and pray that you have a great appointment on the 21st and your RE can provide some insight with handling your case. Your mom sounds like an amazingly strong woman - and you sound like you have gotten that from her as well. ((hugs))
Hey There!
Thanks so much for your sweet comment on my blog! I'm glad my post was uplifting...especially after having so many depressing ones lately! It it such a relief to be able to "turn a corner" so to speak.
I'm glad you had such a great talk with your mom. I'm sure it is such a comfort to know that she understands what you're going through.
I don't know if you knew, but I had a uterine anomaly diagnosis too, a septum. They used HSG and a saline sonogram to diagnose mine.
I had surgery to fix it so they were able to get a much better look at it then to be sure. Although I'm not sure what the difference would be in the treatment of a septum vs. bicornate even? Can they resect a bicornate uterus? But I definitely think seeing your RE to get a second opinion would be well worth it.
I will keep you in my prayers that you will find some peace in your own situation! All of this is such a hard cross to bear!!
First off, thank you for commenting my blog. Blaze is definitely our 140 lb baby at the present! He is sooooo spoiled :) Of course, that's the way Great Danes should be!
Secondly, I loved this post. Thank you for sharing it with us. I find it so hard sometimes to write positive things on my blog. I really need to try to do better in that respect. Thinking about you! Good luck!
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