Duke VS. The Bump

Duke has NO idea what's about to hit him...absolutely NO idea.

(Please disregard the multiple bruises and mini-bandaids from my Hepa.rin shots.)

And my noticeably bigger 33 week 4 day bump...

Currently 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant and all is quiet...for now!

Is This Your First?

Atlantic Beach, North Carolina March 1999

The question seems so innocent. So innocuous. I think I had three different individuals ask me today alone. And yet those who spy my ever-expanding belly and unknowingly and if "this is my first child" open a door to a million different emotions and a guilt I never thought I'd feel about a baby that I never held in my arms.

How do you answer a question like this when you're a baby-loss mama? I'm not so sure it would be socially acceptable to answer: "No, but this will be my first living child." Every time I answer with a simple "Yes," I feel like a traitor. I feel like I'm denying all that could have been and the precious lives that are still MY BABIES, just not here on earth, the way I had always planned.

As I mentally prepare for the one year anniversary of the loss of our precious little baby, and simultaneously prepare for the birth of our first son, I'm wrapped in grief and with gripped with anxious excitement, and I'm not sure I know how to process these conflicting emotions all at once.

How about you baby-loss mamas? How do you answer this loaded question? I know it’s not said to be cruel or malicious, but I don’t want to deny the very real life that could have been, and still is my baby…no matter if he/she lives in my arms or only in my heart.

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Status Quo and Couldn't Be Happier

I had my 32 week (+ 4 day) appointment with Dr. OB on Tuesday. My weight was down a pound from two weeks previous, my blood pressure was a healthy 110/78 and my belly measured right at 32 weeks. Much to my surprise, the doctor ordered a growth scan and biophysical profile and managed to sneak us in to my favorite ultrasound tech right away. I had been totally prepared to plead my case for non-stress tests and scans ASAP...but was left speechless when he took the initiative to step-up my care. Hoooray! We immediately went down to the US room and got to sneak another peak at our (not-so-little) guy! I've yet to hear back about the score from the BPP, but from what the ultrasound tech shared with us, it looks like baby Pat is doing very well in his oddly-shaped home! His presentation is even head-down right now, which can be a rarity in women with bicornuate uteri...finding baby in breech presentation is much more common. I'll start weekly non-stress tests next Tuesday and visit with Dr. OB every-other-week until mid-May. After that, it's weekly visits with Dr. OB too. Cervical checks will start in another 3-4 weeks. Wow. How did we make it here already?!

Looking back at the past 32 weeks and 6 days, I marvel at the events that have taken place in my life. In so many ways, the past 32+ weeks have FLOWN by, but in others, I feel like we've been waiting for this little guy FOREVER. I cherish every kick, punch and wiggle and I marvel at how incredibly blessed we are.

My pregnancy. By the numbers:

*460 shots of Heparin in the tummy...which also means at least 460 alcohol swabs, gauze pads and mini ban.d aids!

*ZERO cups of caffeinated coffee. (Oh how I miss you, dear, sweet, caffeinated Lattes!)

*7 Pairs of maternity jeans (I'm pretty sure MM's secret fit bel.ly waist bands are one of my new favorite wardrobe details...ever!)

*10+ jars of baby dill pickles

*7 Beautiful Ultrasounds

*Only one "minor" fall (Which is AMAZING for me!)

*Two emergency trips to labor and delivery

*91 Crin.one progesterone coochie gel inserts

*One new, random lower abdominal stretch mark...WTF?!

*2? broken ribs

*15+ Vitamin B-12 shots for killer morning (all-day) sickness

*28 weeks of pelvic rest (poor, sweet husband!)

*28 blood draws to monitor heparin levels (Thank goodness for strong, prominent arm veins!)

*Countless happy tears

And finally...

*Only ??? weeks until his arival.

I truly couldn't be any happier with THIS holding pattern.

Heavy Breathing and The 30 Week Bump

C. and I had our intensive, two-day Lamaze course this weekend, and after class wrapped today, C. announced he has now had his fill of naked pregnant women (videos) for many years to come. I second that sentiment! The course was taught by a former labor and delivery nurse who also holds certifications as a lactation consultant and a Doula. She was fantastic. I felt she presented a great, unbiased overview of the entire labor and delivery process. She was very mommy-centric and stressed that we need to research and communicate what WE want our birth experience to be like and what we need from our care providers. Being a former L & D nurse, she had lots of great stories about each of the scenarios she presented.

Unfortunately, we had to duck out of class a bit early on Sunday because I had another "incident" with my coughing and a little "pop" to my ribs. Youchie. I'm SO ready for this cough to be G-O-N-E! I will most certainly be addressing this rib fracture situation with my OB at Wednesday's appointment. Agenda item number 23 added to my list of questions...check!

Overall, I'm really glad we took the time out of our schedule (ALL WEEKEND!) to attend the class. I think C. even learned some new terminology. (He had no idea what the peri.neum was.) Now if only I could have an additional two days off to get caught-up on errands and house work...

I had my first official fall of pregnancy on Thursday night. Ugh. It happened as I was leaving my sister's house with a bag hanging on my arm and a plate of food in my hands. As I attempted to s-l-o-w-ly step over a big puddle of water at the end of their driveway and place my foot onto the "dry" street on the other side, I was unaware that the road surface was equivalent to that of a newly frozen pond.

All I remember was the following scene in slow motion: Plate of food flying into air. Said food plopping into puddle at the end of the driveway. Dish clanging onto the pavement. Catching myself mid-puddle with my hands and my left hip. Sister running out of the house closely followed by 2 1/2 year-old nephew crying "Are you OK? Auntie Mel? Are you OK?" Thankfully, I managed to escape with just some minor road rash on my hands. But you'd better believe I was dopp.lering baby boy as soon as I got home! Was I silly not to call the doctor after falling? I guess I'm just so used to falling down (have the scars on my bionic ankle and chin to prove it) that I didn't even think twice. I will certainly be mentioning the mishap to Dr. OB on Wednesday. Agenda item number 24...check!

And I figured it was time for a bump update...so here I am...in all my bumpiness at 30 weeks and 1 day.

The Aftermath

How is a woman supposed to begin nesting when part of her nest now looks like this...?

What started-out as a teeny tiny leak at the baseboard here...

turned into this mess...

I'm calling the new design...flood-minimalist.

Thank you to all who left comments on my previous post. It would appear that our area is out of the danger zone...for now. However, we're now in the middle of a March/April blizzard and expecting 6-12 inches of new snow. We're very thankful that we did NOT have to evacuate our home and only sustained damage to our lower level because of (clean) water seepage. My eagle-eyes caught the seepage quickly enough to move back a big rug and C.'s poker table before any of that sat in the water. I'm trying to put a positive spin on the whole ordeal and consider it as a great opportunity for an impromptu remodel!

There are still many in our community that are displaced from their homes and we've been told by the Nation.al Weather Ser.vice that this area may see another river crest once the newest snowfall melts and farm fields drain towards tributary rivers. It is my hope that we won't have to deal with yet another record crest. I've had enough of plugged-drains (can't do laundry or flush), bottled water and being trapped in our torn-apart house.

In the midst of all the flooding madness (including hospital evaucations), I've been unable to reach anyone with answers at the doctor's office. The best they could do for me at this point was to move my appointment up a few days to Wednesday, April 8th. I also requested to see doctor OB on a day when he's NOT on-call. I hope to lay out all of my concerns with him then. Thanks again to all who weighed-in on my concerns with care...all of the ladies (and guys!) that are a part of this community are so wise. I appreciate you!

Sink or Swim

Sometimes it's not such a fun or exciting thing to be the lead story on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN and the Weather Channel.

I'm asking for prayer for our community. We're currently facing record-breaking flooding. Humvees and armored vehicles just poured past our house, and a large residential area just one block west of our home is being evacuated. We've been ordered to plug all lower-level floor drains to avoid getting raw sewage backed up into our basement. The college campus that surrounds our neighborhood has issued a campus-wide emergency, shut down electricity and water, and sent its 3000+ students and staff home or away to safer locations. The community's largest hospital evacuated all patients via helicopter and ambulance last night to other hospitals as far as 500 miles away. My bag, my meds and food for Mr. Duke are packed...just in-case.

Please pray.

Need Your Advice

I am currently very annoyed at the complacency of my OB team. I had my 28 week visit with my OB's nurse practitioner (Dr. OB was unavailable) last Friday the 20th, and after talking with her (she doesn't really know anything about my clotting history or bicornuate uterus), I'm seriously considering asking for a referral to one of the Perinatologist's in this hospital system unless they're willing to start NST (nonstress tests) and grown scans soon. She said they generally don't start NST's until week 34 and only do growth scans if my measurements are off. I'm not scheduled to see my regular OB for another 3 weeks...on April 10th.

My concern? I have not only ONE, but TWO major factors that can cause issues during the 3rd trimester. My thrombophilia puts me at risk for premature deterioration of the placenta and placental abruption...among other things, and my bicornuate uterus puts me at risk for IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and pre-term labor. Why NOT be overly cautious from here on out? The last ultrasound I had was my comprehensive scan at 20 weeks, and I've been measuring right on-track at each appointment. I'm up a grand total of 15 pounds and my blood pressure, blood sugar, hemoglobin, aPTT (blood clotting test) and platelets are all great. But honestly, I'd really like to keep it that way! I try to do kick counts at least once a day and baby is pretty predictable with his post-meal and pre-bedtime gymnastic routine.

I'm soliciting advice from other high-risk mommies (parents) who insisted on closer monitoring...no matter what trimester you were in. I'm not sure if I should wait until the 10th to address my concerns, or call OB's office and talk with his nurse about a referral. I have NO idea how long it would take to get hooked-up with a Perinatologist. I know the worry and tears these thoughts are causing aren't healthy for me or for the baby. I just don't want to be one of "those" pregnant woman, but I think this warrants some attention. Help!

On a lighter note...quote has been placed above baby boy's crib. I love it and I'm so in love with him. I can't imagine how much that love will grow once I actually MEET our little guy.