Atlantic Beach, North Carolina March 1999The question seems so innocent. So innocuous. I think I had three different individuals ask me today alone. And yet those who spy my ever-expanding belly and unknowingly and if "this is my first child" open a door to a million different emotions and a guilt I never thought I'd feel about a baby that I never held in my arms.
How do you answer a question like this when you're a baby-loss mama? I'm not so sure it would be socially acceptable to answer: "No, but this will be my first living child." Every time I answer with a simple "Yes," I feel like a traitor. I feel like I'm denying all that could have been and the precious lives that are still MY BABIES, just not here on earth, the way I had always planned.
As I mentally prepare for the one year anniversary of the loss of our precious little baby, and simultaneously prepare for the birth of our first son, I'm wrapped in grief and with gripped with anxious excitement, and I'm not sure I know how to process these conflicting emotions all at once.
How about you baby-loss mamas? How do you answer this loaded question? I know it’s not said to be cruel or malicious, but I don’t want to deny the very real life that could have been, and still is my baby…no matter if he/she lives in my arms or only in my heart.
Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
~Rossiter Worthington Raymond
How do you answer a question like this when you're a baby-loss mama? I'm not so sure it would be socially acceptable to answer: "No, but this will be my first living child." Every time I answer with a simple "Yes," I feel like a traitor. I feel like I'm denying all that could have been and the precious lives that are still MY BABIES, just not here on earth, the way I had always planned.
As I mentally prepare for the one year anniversary of the loss of our precious little baby, and simultaneously prepare for the birth of our first son, I'm wrapped in grief and with gripped with anxious excitement, and I'm not sure I know how to process these conflicting emotions all at once.
How about you baby-loss mamas? How do you answer this loaded question? I know it’s not said to be cruel or malicious, but I don’t want to deny the very real life that could have been, and still is my baby…no matter if he/she lives in my arms or only in my heart.
Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
~Rossiter Worthington Raymond
4 comments:
Keeping you in my thoughts sweetie...and yes of course - how could that question not bring a flood of emotions in? Thinking of you as always! ((hugs))
If it's someone i know really well or knows my life in one way to another, I'm honest. I'll say I've been pregnant 4 times but have 2 living children. If it isn't someone I don't k now all that well, I don't share that information with them. Same with my mom's passing. If a stranger would to say something about my mom (for some reason or another) I wouldn't tell them she isn't alive. Does that make sense?
Sending you an extra BIG hug!
I don't have any answers, but it's a great question. You're an amazing mother, you're already protecting the memory of your 'first' child, your first Son will be grateful to know that you lvoed those that came before him.
I am wow-ed at how soon you're going to meet you're little man! Good luck and I'm praying that you can continue to maintain the status quo!
Most times, I just answer Yes. The people asking these questions are just making small talk and don't want to hear anything more. And frankly, they aren't the people I want to talk to about my firstborn.
Mel- I can't believe that ticker. 39 days. 39! I am here, holding your hand in this final stretch.
xo
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