36 weeks 5 days and Miscellany

I had to include this picture in my post. This is my precious 6 month-old nephew, Little H. He decided that C's cheek looked delicious! Pretty adorable, huh? He's going to be our little guy's daycare buddy at Nanna's house this fall.

The past month has basically been a whirlwind of appointments. I'm now seeing Dr. OB and having non-stress tests weekly. I visited with my hematologist last week and discussed the possibility of induction (what?!) once I get closer to my due date. It all still feels very surreal. I have been prepared this entire pregnancy to have a pre-term, emergency c-section for a breech baby. Amazingly, I've actually come out on the "normal" side of statistics thus far. We have a healthy baby boy, head-down, who's showing no sign of making his entrance at 36 weeks and 5 days.

I had my first manual check at my Monday appointment. Cervix has softened, but I'm not dilated at this point. Doctor OB is NOT on the same page as hemo about induction. Go figure. I had to call hemo's office and ask for some help working with Dr. OB. How exactly is it my job to go back and forth with different information!? They work in the same hospital system, but obviously have very different views on pregnancies/labor and delivery. I'm not ready to risk this little guy's life because they have a difference of opinion. I'm all about letting him make his entrance naturally, but if that's going to put my life or his life in danger, NO WAY!

Breastfeeding class last weekend with our lactation consultant Fran, was very helpful! I went from feeling like I knew ZERO about feeding to actually being pretty comfortable with my body and my ability! C. said he would have liked to see more real-life demonstrations. The fake stuffed breast was apparently not very "realistic." Goofy boys.

I'm happy to report my car is as good as new. New paint. New sheet metal "skins" on the doors...whatever those are!

Is it completely silly to be taking-on two major house projects just a few weeks before our due date? We're in the process (read: waiting for painter/contractor to get their arses in gear) of painting the exterior of our home and re-carpeting the entire lower level. At this point, I just want things put back together!

I almost lost it at Moth.erhood Mat.er.nity today. As I placed the dress I wanted to purchase to wear to my baby shower this weekend (A little last minute you say?! Sigh. Long story.) on the counter, the sales lady asked me how many weeks I had left. I replied "just about three," and the girl next to me squealed "MEEEE TOO!" I proceeded to look down at her baby bump that I SWEAR was resting directly between her legs. Her baby was THAT low. Then I looked at my bump wedged up under my ribs. I wanted to cry. Either our baby has a huge butt and his head is low or he's still just riding that high.

And finally, before I put everyone to sleep, my newest tummy pics. I'm 5'9" and most of my height is in my torso. I can't even imagine what my poor mother went through when she carried high and very central like this with a 5'0" frame. The woman is a saint.

May 16th, 2008

One year later.

Life has changed in very profound ways over the past year. But the empty space created here in my heart when you left us too soon still remains the same. I'm reminded of you as I prepare your brother's nursery...folding tiny little clothes and socks that could have been placed on your feet...filling picture frames that could have been occupied with your tiny smiles...and I cry. I cry not because you are "lost." I cry because I miss you. I often selfishly wish that it was me and your daddy who were holding you, but I know that your Heavenly Father is holding you in His perfect embrace. I know that one day, we will see you again.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

Mommy will love you forever.
5.16.2008

Racing Stripes

A newly 17 year-old boy and his little buddies decided my car needed a racing stripe down the entire passenger side. Nice new look, huh? Thankfully I was approaching an intersection and only going about 15-20 mph when this happened. Of course, the kid's "tank"...a 1987 Buick...had zero damage. Go figure. He also claimed total responsibility. (Uh, Duh?!)

I have to keep reminding myself...it could have been SO much worse. But it didn't help my nerves/temper/hormonal-ness that the police officer who came to the accident scene was a major a-hole who really didn't care about helping us out (officer simply know as # 298) or that the crash happened right in front of the city's Grey.hound bus station. We had ALL kinds of very...ummmm..."savory" individuals checking out the scene. The officer also made this kid and I sit next to one another in the backseat of his squad car on hard little plastic seats for nearly 30 minutes because it was more "convenient" for him to ask questions that way. Can you say...slightly awkward?!

I think I'm going to start driving one of these:

Duke VS. The Bump

Duke has NO idea what's about to hit him...absolutely NO idea.

(Please disregard the multiple bruises and mini-bandaids from my Hepa.rin shots.)

And my noticeably bigger 33 week 4 day bump...

Currently 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant and all is quiet...for now!

Is This Your First?

Atlantic Beach, North Carolina March 1999

The question seems so innocent. So innocuous. I think I had three different individuals ask me today alone. And yet those who spy my ever-expanding belly and unknowingly and if "this is my first child" open a door to a million different emotions and a guilt I never thought I'd feel about a baby that I never held in my arms.

How do you answer a question like this when you're a baby-loss mama? I'm not so sure it would be socially acceptable to answer: "No, but this will be my first living child." Every time I answer with a simple "Yes," I feel like a traitor. I feel like I'm denying all that could have been and the precious lives that are still MY BABIES, just not here on earth, the way I had always planned.

As I mentally prepare for the one year anniversary of the loss of our precious little baby, and simultaneously prepare for the birth of our first son, I'm wrapped in grief and with gripped with anxious excitement, and I'm not sure I know how to process these conflicting emotions all at once.

How about you baby-loss mamas? How do you answer this loaded question? I know it’s not said to be cruel or malicious, but I don’t want to deny the very real life that could have been, and still is my baby…no matter if he/she lives in my arms or only in my heart.

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Status Quo and Couldn't Be Happier

I had my 32 week (+ 4 day) appointment with Dr. OB on Tuesday. My weight was down a pound from two weeks previous, my blood pressure was a healthy 110/78 and my belly measured right at 32 weeks. Much to my surprise, the doctor ordered a growth scan and biophysical profile and managed to sneak us in to my favorite ultrasound tech right away. I had been totally prepared to plead my case for non-stress tests and scans ASAP...but was left speechless when he took the initiative to step-up my care. Hoooray! We immediately went down to the US room and got to sneak another peak at our (not-so-little) guy! I've yet to hear back about the score from the BPP, but from what the ultrasound tech shared with us, it looks like baby Pat is doing very well in his oddly-shaped home! His presentation is even head-down right now, which can be a rarity in women with bicornuate uteri...finding baby in breech presentation is much more common. I'll start weekly non-stress tests next Tuesday and visit with Dr. OB every-other-week until mid-May. After that, it's weekly visits with Dr. OB too. Cervical checks will start in another 3-4 weeks. Wow. How did we make it here already?!

Looking back at the past 32 weeks and 6 days, I marvel at the events that have taken place in my life. In so many ways, the past 32+ weeks have FLOWN by, but in others, I feel like we've been waiting for this little guy FOREVER. I cherish every kick, punch and wiggle and I marvel at how incredibly blessed we are.

My pregnancy. By the numbers:

*460 shots of Heparin in the tummy...which also means at least 460 alcohol swabs, gauze pads and mini ban.d aids!

*ZERO cups of caffeinated coffee. (Oh how I miss you, dear, sweet, caffeinated Lattes!)

*7 Pairs of maternity jeans (I'm pretty sure MM's secret fit bel.ly waist bands are one of my new favorite wardrobe details...ever!)

*10+ jars of baby dill pickles

*7 Beautiful Ultrasounds

*Only one "minor" fall (Which is AMAZING for me!)

*Two emergency trips to labor and delivery

*91 Crin.one progesterone coochie gel inserts

*One new, random lower abdominal stretch mark...WTF?!

*2? broken ribs

*15+ Vitamin B-12 shots for killer morning (all-day) sickness

*28 weeks of pelvic rest (poor, sweet husband!)

*28 blood draws to monitor heparin levels (Thank goodness for strong, prominent arm veins!)

*Countless happy tears

And finally...

*Only ??? weeks until his arival.

I truly couldn't be any happier with THIS holding pattern.

Heavy Breathing and The 30 Week Bump

C. and I had our intensive, two-day Lamaze course this weekend, and after class wrapped today, C. announced he has now had his fill of naked pregnant women (videos) for many years to come. I second that sentiment! The course was taught by a former labor and delivery nurse who also holds certifications as a lactation consultant and a Doula. She was fantastic. I felt she presented a great, unbiased overview of the entire labor and delivery process. She was very mommy-centric and stressed that we need to research and communicate what WE want our birth experience to be like and what we need from our care providers. Being a former L & D nurse, she had lots of great stories about each of the scenarios she presented.

Unfortunately, we had to duck out of class a bit early on Sunday because I had another "incident" with my coughing and a little "pop" to my ribs. Youchie. I'm SO ready for this cough to be G-O-N-E! I will most certainly be addressing this rib fracture situation with my OB at Wednesday's appointment. Agenda item number 23 added to my list of questions...check!

Overall, I'm really glad we took the time out of our schedule (ALL WEEKEND!) to attend the class. I think C. even learned some new terminology. (He had no idea what the peri.neum was.) Now if only I could have an additional two days off to get caught-up on errands and house work...

I had my first official fall of pregnancy on Thursday night. Ugh. It happened as I was leaving my sister's house with a bag hanging on my arm and a plate of food in my hands. As I attempted to s-l-o-w-ly step over a big puddle of water at the end of their driveway and place my foot onto the "dry" street on the other side, I was unaware that the road surface was equivalent to that of a newly frozen pond.

All I remember was the following scene in slow motion: Plate of food flying into air. Said food plopping into puddle at the end of the driveway. Dish clanging onto the pavement. Catching myself mid-puddle with my hands and my left hip. Sister running out of the house closely followed by 2 1/2 year-old nephew crying "Are you OK? Auntie Mel? Are you OK?" Thankfully, I managed to escape with just some minor road rash on my hands. But you'd better believe I was dopp.lering baby boy as soon as I got home! Was I silly not to call the doctor after falling? I guess I'm just so used to falling down (have the scars on my bionic ankle and chin to prove it) that I didn't even think twice. I will certainly be mentioning the mishap to Dr. OB on Wednesday. Agenda item number 24...check!

And I figured it was time for a bump update...so here I am...in all my bumpiness at 30 weeks and 1 day.