Running the Gauntlet

This is my very LEAST favorite part of the day: the commute home.

Granted, it only takes me a mere 20-25 minutes to get from work to driveway, but the 5 pm traffic is ridiculous! People are talking on phones and swerving between lanes and cutting-off semi trucks...be still my racing heart! Now, I must admit, that part of my annoyance stems from the fact that I like to speed. I have a NEED for speed. 10 miles over the speed limit is pretty standard for me. I've never gotten a speeding ticket. (Did I just mark my head with a big red "X"...?!)

So it's just about that time of the day...time for the full body armor, a few prayers for safety and some much-needed deep breathing and meditation. So what about you? What's your favorite or least favorite part of the day? Do you have a long commute to and from work? Are you a serial speeder like I am?

Anniversaries and Vomit

Happy Anniversary, baby! This is one of the many reasons I love my husband so much:

We just "get" each other's sense of humor. He placed this card in the back door, so that when I woke up and let Duke out in the morning, I'd find it. Three years of married life have FLOWN by. I love him more every moment I'm with him.

Just what the doctor ordered...

A weekend away. Not too far away. But just far enough away from all of the memories floating around the house and feelings mulling around in my head that remind me of what we’re dealing with right now.

With all of the doctor’s appointments and long hours at work, C. and I haven’t taken the time we usually do during the summer months to go and enjoy the lake. We’re fortunate enough to share a summer place with C.’s brother and his family. This weekend, we said to heck with the mounds laundry and to heck with the lawn mowing for now…we’re packing up the dog and retreating to the lake.

The weather was perfect. I laid in the sun, took long walks with C. and Duke, ate really yummy (read *naughty*) food, napped, spent all day Saturday out on the lake and gave myself permission to NOT think about upcoming tests and appointments and all of the unknowns that seem to wash over me every waking hour when I’m at home.

C. was relaxed, loving and attentive. Growing up, his family would retreat to this cabin every weekend and being there gives him permission to regress back to those carefree days of swimming, boating and family…days before he even thought of who he’d marry…days before jobs and babies and a mortgage.

And Duke…he’s another story. He’s EXHAUSTING at the lake. He would dive off the dock after his “fris” all day and night if we’d allow it. He woke us up every 2-3 hours Saturday night with his infamous “nose whistling” technique, as if to say: “Is it morning yet? Huh? Huh? Mom? Dad? Can we go play? Huh? Huh? Can we? Can we?” Finally, at 8 am, we relented, and the swimming, diving and fris-tossing began.

It was a wonderful weekend, and I’m eternally grateful to my mom for sneaking over while we were away and tackling the piles of laundry that we had put-off. I love you, moomoo!

Finally, a very warm, heartfelt thanks to everyone who took time to comment on my questions about Factor V Leiden. It was a blessing to hear stories of women who, with proper treatment and care, have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies…even with this diagnosis. Thank you!

A Memorial

July 25th is a sad day for me. Flooded with memories of what could have been. 6 years have already passed. A secret. Sorrow, shame and regret. I'll miss you forever.

“Held.”
Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lillys of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Heartbroken

I just received an email from my RE regarding the blood tests ordered yesterday. I'm not really sure where to go from here.

"You have an abnormal Factor V Leiden gene. This means you are at increased risk of blood clots and miscarriage (as we suspected from your mom's history). You will need to be on heparin and baby aspirin with future pregnancies. I would like you to see Dr. K who is a specialist in Hematology and Oncology. He will probably do much more blood testing to determine if there are any other abnormalities. You should be aware that you have an increased risk of blood clots on the birth control pill and you should not take it."

As if a busted uterus isn't enough for me to handle right now...another hurdle gets thrown onto the track.

The First of Many Visits

Once again, I’ll be waiting for my period to arrive before I’m given any definitive answers! Not really sure when I’ll learn that one waiting period usually leads right into the next waiting…for my period!

The new RE I visited Monday morning was very nice, very professional and very reassuring. She showed me diagrams of the different configurations of Müllerian Anomalies (yawn!), explained each one and potential reproductive issues associated with that shape. I did appreciate the time she took to visit with me (almost an hour!) about my concerns with the bicornute diagnosis I had been give by the OB from a different hospital. I am also BEYOND thankful that this practice posts lab results through a secure online portal. I can email the nurse questions or concerns I have, and schedule appointments via email. No more waiting 3 weeks for illegible test results! Yipee!

Dr. D (as she will be known henceforth) basically reiterated many of the same things that I’ve diligently researched on Müllerian Anomalies over the past two months. Here are some of the highlights:

*Dr. D agreed that it was wise to do additional diagnostics before trying to conceive again.

~Although the Lap/Hyst is the “gold standard” for diagnostics of MA’s, she believes in my case, it would be a good idea to take the most conservative route possible to get an accurate diagnosis.

*A saline sonogram is generally good at showing the outer contours of the uterus if the uterus is not retroverted (How convenient, mine is!)

~MRI would be the second test ordered if saline sonogram is not definitive enough.

*Nothing in the radiology reports from my initial diagnosis indicates that my uterus is unquestionably bicornuate.

~Because of my mom’s history of miscarriage, I’m being tested for Factor V Leiden. What?! Another potential issue to add to my list of worries?!

This is what I was able to dig-up on Factor V’s impact on pregnancy:

“It is thought that Factor V Leiden increases the risk for recurrent fetal loss and has been associated with severe pre-eclampsia, unexplained intrauterine growth retardation, placental abruption, and stillbirth as well as maternal clotting during labor and in the postpartum period.”

If anyone out there in the blogosphere has any experience with or knowledge of Factor V clotting issues, I’d love to hear from you!

So all-in-all, I left this appointment feeling hopeful and reassured. I’m counting down to day 28—which would be July 31st. That is also the weekend C. and I were going to do our romantic Anniversary getaway—nice! Once “she” arrives, I can call to schedule an appointment for my saline sonogram.

Waiting period number three is now in the books and waiting period four commences!

Show and Tell

As promised...a picture of the Birthday/Anniversary present I had to wait a few weeks for! In my opinion, it was well worth the test of my patience! I joke with C. that I've had put up with his shenanigans for three years now, and that was definitely worthy of a upgrade in my diamond! The graininess from our ancient 1/4 megapixel camera is terrible! (Ok, so it's not 1/4, but it's close!) That's next on the list of "to be upgraded!" C. spoiled me with a 1 carat diamond in my wedding set. We joke about the way things change when you get married...he bought a motorcycle about 3 months before he proposed to me and spent less on the first ring than he did on his bike. Now, he's selling that same motorcycle to pay for my diamond upgrade. Ahhhh...love and marriage!

Have a fantastic weekend! I'm sure I'll have lots to report (and lots of questions to pose) after my RE appointment bright and early on Monday morning.