Tagged!

I yearbooked myself! This was GREAT fun...once I tracked-down a picture of me without bangs or sunglasses. That was difficult. I didn't realize that I'm usually wearing one or the other in EVERY picture of me! I also have a very oblong face, so I think the pictures cut-off part of my chin...sexy, huh?! Thanks to this one for keeping my mind occupied during my 2 ww!

Oooooh! Jean vest...sweet!

And because C. laughed at all my pictures, I yearbooked him! Ha!

Join in the fun (no pressure)! I'm going to tag meg, Hope2morrow and courtney.

Into The Spin Cycle

Well, Fer.tility Frie.nd says that I am officially “in the wait.” This is my very first qualified "wait" and I’m already going stir-crazy. I'm even dreaming about taking pregnancy tests. Last night in my dream, I accidentally spit on the tests instead of peeing on them. I started crying hysterically because I thought I ruined the only two tests I had on-hand! My hat is off to those who have cycled for months, if not YEARS. You all deserve a monumental prize, a gold metal and a truck load of chocolate. Does it ever get any easier?

FF is telling me to start testing at 19 DPO, which would be October 10th…which coincidentally happens to be my husband’s 30th birthday. But of course, you know I’ll be testing well before that. There's NO WAY I can wait that long, even if it means disappointment. Any idea why they would be telling me to hold-off testing until 19 DPO? As if this wasn't enough of an arsenal for TTC, I had to go and get another bottle of sperm-friendly lube this weekend and then decided to get some of these just in case!

Husband surprised me with these beautiful pink roses when he came home from work tonight. I love him so much. He never fails to make me smile.


In the midst of all of the waiting, I'm trying my best to rediscover my optimistic side. It's been tucked away (along with my heart) for far too long. How about you? How do you work to remain upbeat during your journey through IF? What keeps disappointment from overwhelming who you are and what you've become after loss/testing/treatment?

“It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis."

—Margaret Bonnano

Ready or Not...

I apologize for the lapse in posting and commenting. We've been getting busy...ummm...I mean busy at our household this weekend! Currently on CD 17 and husband is loving my new-found passion for intimacy. I feel guilty that it has taken my pursuit of baby to initiate intimacy with him. I have no excuse NOT to make time for him now! Does anyone else struggle with feelings of guilt about intimacy when TTC?

On Saturday morning, I participated in a 5K called "A Walk for Hope" to raise adoption awareness. I walked the 3.2 miles with my mom, my sister and my adorable 2 year-old nephew. It was a great event to raise money for a couple (my sister teaches with the wife) who is unable to have children of their own. Early in life, the husband had to undergo a double lung transplant and has been on anti-rejection medications that affect his fertility. This woman married a man she knew would never be able to get her pregnant. She is only 25 years old. Wow. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but I'm not sure I could do that. The biological drive to create life is such a strong thing! They both have a heart for international adoption, and have chosen to adopt from Ethiopia. The walk made me begin to question my views of growing our family through adoption. Up to this point, C. and I have casually discussed the topic, but determined that we want to pursue creating our own family for a few more years before considering adoption or surrogacy. After talking with other couples who are in the process of adopting, or have adopted, my heart has been opened to the possibility. More on that in days to come.

And finally, some closure about my miscarriage which occurred in May, yes May. I requested my pathology reports from the D and C months and months ago, and just when I had almost forgotten about even asking for them, they arrived in the mailbox Friday afternoon. Just two plain white pieces of printer paper, titled with "products of conception." Not...was a baby, could have been a baby, no embryo or the like. But a "product." It brought me rushing back to that moment all over again. I was almost tempted for a moment to tell C. that I wasn't ready to try again. (Even though it's likely too late to stop that train.) The awful feeling of dread that rushed over me the morning of May 16th crept back into my heart. What if my body is just going to reject any future pregnancy like it did before? What if I'm opening my heart just to have it crushed into a million little pieces all over again? Am I really ready to dive in? Are you ever really prepared to dive in after loss and disappointment? Can I trust my body? For that matter, am I ready to surrender my fears and give control to the One who knows our heart's desires? After some crying, some soul-searching and some prayer, I think I can say...yes. I'm going to do this. We're going to do this...ready or not.

A Midweek Meme

Happy Hump Day! After some remodeling/renovating/redecorating of my blog this weekend, I think this is the design I'm going to stick with. What do ya'll think?

Just because I laughed myself silly when I read this on this one's blog, I had to participate. Pass it on!

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Dusty Montero

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Mint Wedges (That's right! Don't even think about messing with Mint Wedges!)

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Sky Blue Dog

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Faith Ames

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Mitme

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Eggplant Water (Not sure what' s so super about that?)

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Earl Jerome (Now just say that with a southern drawl...right?)

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Romance Starburst (Maybe a topless dancer...?!?)

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Striker San Antonio (Now back to you at the news desk, Striker!)

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Summer Tulip

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Blueberry Sports Bra

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Toast(y) Birch

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Dusty Seventeen

Can Infertility Be Funny?

First, I have to thank everyone that dropped-by from Lost and Found to share their experiences with blood thinners during pregnancy. Your thoughts, comments and well-wishes were so kind! You each gave me a different perspective, and I’m so grateful for your insight. Thanks!

I was scheduled to meet with my RE, Dr. D today. However, when I arrived at her office, the receptionist informed me that it was a “procedure” day at clinic and that Dr. D was running an hour behind schedule. She asked if C. and I would mind meeting with the other (male) RE at the practice. Not wanting to keep C. or myself away from work for too long, I reluctantly agreed. I had prepped for the meeting by typing-up a list of questions about timing intercourse, BBT, ovulation, progesterone shots and blood thinners.

While we were trying to keep ourselves entertained to pass the time, C. jokingly told me to put the pens and reproductive models in my purse…so we at least had something tangible to show for our visit! We waited about 25 minutes for new RE (Dr. C) and his nurse practitioner to join us in the room. Compared to my uber-professional and matter-of-fact Dr. D, new RE was soooooooo laid back. (Almost TOO laid-back, in my opinion, but maybe that’s just my Type A self talking.) I presented my list of questions to mister new RE, and for dramatic effect, I’ve included an excerpt of the ensuing conversation here:

Me: I’d like to know your opinion/suggestions on timing of sex during my cycle. Every day before ovulation? Every other day?

Dr. C: Hmmm…how about we ask C. how often he’d like to have intercourse? (ha, ha)

C: I regularly donate plasma and I’m wondering if I should refrain from doing that while we’re TTC. What do you think?

Dr. C: Not unless donating makes you too tired to perform. (ha, ha)

Me: Do you have the results of any of the blood tests that were preformed by Dr. Hemo last week? Do you have a copy of my lipid panel results?

Dr. C: Ahhhh. Ummmm. (looks over at NP as if she's supposed to know how to answer this) All of the labs other than the Factor V were normal? Right? Your lipid panel looks really great…you should hang it up on your fridge.

For the majority of the visit, the NP stared blankly across the room. I figured I was pretty boring stuff compared to the baby-making lab and IVF patients. She didn't seem interested in me or my concerns in the least. Mister new RE finished the conversation by pointing to my notes and saying: “Did we answer all of those?” I felt like a moron. Again, maybe it was just my hyper-organized, strong-willed, Type A personality kicking-in, but I was annoyed!

We left his office after about a 15 minute conversation. I then enjoyed a yummy lunch with my sweet hubby and went immediately back to work and emailed Dr. D my unanswered questions. I am thanking God that I was paired with her for the diagnosis of my Müllerian anomaly and thrombophilia. I don’t believe that our meeting was an accident.

In non-fertility related news, C. finished his 5K in 28 minutes last weekend and brought home a snazzy medallion. He also ran the 1K kid’s run with my 6 year-old niece. Too cute! He’s headed to a NFL football game with the guys this weekend, leaving me and “Monkey” (one of our misc. names for Duke) home on our own. I’m actually looking forward to the time sans husband, and a chance to finally enjoy a clean house! I may tackle some minor interior touch-up painting if I’m feeling ambitious on Saturday. Other than that, I’m going to start my caffeine detox and sleep lots (one of my mostest favorite things to do!).

T-minus 4 days until the “official” baby making extravaganza begins. And you’d better believe I’m ready! What do you think…am I’m prepared enough?!

Thanks again to all who take the time to read and comment…have a peaceful weekend!

Tampons, Temping and My F*%@in' Insurance

This is the last month I want to have to use any of these for a very, very long time!

AF arrived today (CD 31)…and I couldn’t be happier. This is the start of our first "official" TTC cycle after our loss in May. I just ordered ovulation monitors and early pregnancy tests and the Pr.eSe.ed that was suggested by our RE. I’d highly recommend this website for ordering cheap HPT in bulk…great prices and free shipping. It still doesn’t feel real that after all of our medical tests, we’re actually going to be “doing this”...playing for keeps! My last pregnancy, although we weren’t actively preventing, wasn’t really planned. But after the loss and subsequent testing, I mentally feel like I’m in a good place right now. I’m ready for this. I want this more than ever. I’m ready to FIGHT for a baby.

I had my first appointment with Dr. Hemo yesterday. It was an exhausting medical marathon that included bounding from office to pharmacy to lab and to pharmacy and back to office again. In total, we were at the hospital for over three hours. Dr. Hemo sat with C. and I and took nearly five pages of notes on everything from my early medical background to my cousin’s and aunt’s and uncle’s family histories to noting details from each of my losses and mental health status. He was very reassuring and hopeful that our new protocol will be successful. I’ve been given strict orders to drink NO…ZERO…ZIP…alcohol (Booo!), avoid ibuprofen/naproxen, and scale-back my daily supplement regimen (only allowed a pre-natal multi and baby aspirin for now). From this point on, whenever I travel, I have to get up at least once every hour and walk around. If I plan to be on a flight lasting longer than three hours, I have to take prophylactic blood thinning shots. Hmmm…what else am I forgetting?

He informed me that my insurance “isn’t very good at all” when it comes to covering the meds I’ll need during pregnancy. Groan. Unfortunately, insurance only covers a small portion of the cost of the blood thinner Lov.enox, meaning we would have to pay $500/month out-of-pocket if I choose to use that brand. On the other hand, insurance does cover He.parin. Dr. Hemo called Hep.arin the “K.Mart brand.” Hep.arin is a 2x's daily shot versus 1x daily with the Lov.enox. So over the course of a 40 week pregnancy (God willing!) that would be 560 shots in my stomach versus 280. Big difference, right?! It's also appealing to use Lov.enox because of the pre-loaded syringes. So the million dollar question I pose to my fellow clotting mutants is this:

Is there a big difference (besides dosing) with Lov and Hep? Would I be wise to spend the additional money out-of-pocket for the Lov? What kind of experiences have you had with Lov versus Hep?

My hemo is prescribing a dose of 50mg 2x's daily of Hep as soon as I have a positive HPT. It’s very apparent that he wants to be proactive about my treatment. Yipeee for Dr. Hemo! I’ve been advised to call his office within an HOUR of a positive HPT. I have a standing-order at the pharmacy for my blood thinners, and I’ll be doing bi-weekly or weekly blood draws for the first few months. The nurse went through all of the do's and don'ts of how to fill syringes and proper injection protocol. It all felt so surreal. We're really going to do this?!

C. and I will meet with Dr. D (my RE) next Friday the 12th to go over final details. According to Fertility Friend, I can expect to ovulate somewhere around the 18th. Hopefully. My chart was all over the place last month. Maybe it was because I wasn’t very consistent about taking my temps? I'm hopeful that I’ll have success with the ovulation monitors I ordered. Any tips/tricks to share with me?

Before I sign-off for the weekend, I want to send some love to my hubby. He's running a 5K this weekend...one that we ran together last year at this time. I'm sad that he'll be running without me, but I'll be there cheering him on! Love you honey! And to all my fellow IF'ers in the blogosphere...have a fantastic weekend! *hugs*

No Time To Say Goodbye

This has been a trying week...just capped-off by two bits of really sad news.

My dear friend Kerry, who was diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome last fall after her second miscarriage, has just suffered another loss. I am so sad for her. She was following new protocol: blood thinners and IVIg treatments, and was really hopeful that this would be the one. This miscarriage was also taxing on her body. The hospital did a CAT scan because they feared she had a blood clot in her brain or spinal meningitis from the IVIg infusion. (scary!) We love you Ker, and we're praying for answers for you...soon.

Second, our dear little Rex, has been shipped-off to a farm in South Dakota. I'm still in shock. We didn't even get to say goodbye. C. and I knew that my sister and her husband were feeling a bit overwhelmed with the prospect of soon having two kids under the age of 3 along with a hyper-active doggy to care for. They mentioned they may look for a different home for Rex back in March, but we hadn't heard any more on the topic since then. I was informed of his departure via this note left in our mailbox when I came home from work today:

I was certain he had been killed. Why else would someone leave a message like this?! I frantically called my sister (no answer) my mom (no clue what the note meant) and then my BIL. He reassured me that Rex was not dead, but he went on to explain that Rex left earlier this afternoon (what?!). He said I could call and talk with sis, but she was pretty "emotional" because she's "knocked-up." Ummm...yeah...I'm holding back sobs here too buddy. We WOULD have been Rex's family. Heck, we WERE his family for a whole year while my sis and bil lived in an apartment that didn't allow pets. I want to understand. I'm trying to understand. And I'm so tired of facing loss.

So I've decided that this post is dedicated to all of those who have left our lives before we even got a chance to say goodbye.