Just What Momma Mel Needed!

Spa tubs are the best invention EVER! Saturday night, I attended the wedding ceremony with mom and dad-in-law (I couldn't miss seeing husband in a tux!), had a lovely meal with lots of young, drunken early 20-somethings and quickly retreated to our room before the dance got started. It was absolute h-e-a-v-e-n! We had the privilege of staying in a very nice presidential suite, but you could have put me in a room with a twin bed and this tub and I would have been a very happy girl. Although sleeping in the dog-hair-free California king with 10 pillows (yes, 10!) wasn't too shabby either. I was so excited about the tub...I had to take a picture.

Duke was also beyond excited that we took out his backyard "spa tub" on Sunday. He loves water just about as much as mommy!

38 weeks and the Magic #2

It appears as if we're moving in the right direction! After an unscheduled visit to the lovely staff on the labor and delivery floor on Tuesday night, and hearing the disappointing news that I was only a "fingertip" dilated, I received BETTER news at my regular OB appointment yesterday...2cm! Now that's progress. (Even though my boss had to tell me she was at a 2 for the entire last month of her pregnancy. Bah humbug!)

All day Tuesday, I kept experiencing these little gushes of clear fluid...enough to require me to use liners in my super-big-girl-panties to be comfortable. After debating whether I was just being a big wussy/hypochondriac for most of the evening, I finally called the L&D floor Tuesday night around 10 p.m. and asked the nurse's opinion about coming up to get checked. She reassured me that it would NOT be a bad idea to err on the side of caution and make sure baby was doing ok. They also wanted to be sure I didn't have a "high leak." So after nearly 3 hours on the NST machine, a coochie swab, a near-fainting/puking episode and several test strips to check the pH of said secretions, the medical team pretty much decided they couldn't narrow-down what was going on, but baby appeared to be just fine. Weary husband and I collected our things and went home to sleep.

The countdown is REALLY on...just 14 days! Carpet has been installed, but house painting has yet to commence. Baby clothes are washed and put away and my hospital bag is (mostly) packed. Husband is in a wedding this weekend, and his parents are coming up to stay with us despite my NUMEROUS pleas NOT to have ANY overnight company until this baby is born!! I think I may just go to the wedding ceremony with mom and dad-in-law and rent myself a room at the hotel where the reception is being held so I can enjoy some peace and quiet...along with a big whirlpool tub, some room service and a pay-per-view movie. (How terrible am I?!) I have zero interest in entertaining guests, and helplessly watching my newly cleaned and prepared "nest" be invaded by company would be enough to drive me bonkers at this point. I think it's best for everyone's safety if the guests made themselves at home WITHOUT me!

I've talked myself into it...terrible person or not...I'm off to book a room!

36 weeks 5 days and Miscellany

I had to include this picture in my post. This is my precious 6 month-old nephew, Little H. He decided that C's cheek looked delicious! Pretty adorable, huh? He's going to be our little guy's daycare buddy at Nanna's house this fall.

The past month has basically been a whirlwind of appointments. I'm now seeing Dr. OB and having non-stress tests weekly. I visited with my hematologist last week and discussed the possibility of induction (what?!) once I get closer to my due date. It all still feels very surreal. I have been prepared this entire pregnancy to have a pre-term, emergency c-section for a breech baby. Amazingly, I've actually come out on the "normal" side of statistics thus far. We have a healthy baby boy, head-down, who's showing no sign of making his entrance at 36 weeks and 5 days.

I had my first manual check at my Monday appointment. Cervix has softened, but I'm not dilated at this point. Doctor OB is NOT on the same page as hemo about induction. Go figure. I had to call hemo's office and ask for some help working with Dr. OB. How exactly is it my job to go back and forth with different information!? They work in the same hospital system, but obviously have very different views on pregnancies/labor and delivery. I'm not ready to risk this little guy's life because they have a difference of opinion. I'm all about letting him make his entrance naturally, but if that's going to put my life or his life in danger, NO WAY!

Breastfeeding class last weekend with our lactation consultant Fran, was very helpful! I went from feeling like I knew ZERO about feeding to actually being pretty comfortable with my body and my ability! C. said he would have liked to see more real-life demonstrations. The fake stuffed breast was apparently not very "realistic." Goofy boys.

I'm happy to report my car is as good as new. New paint. New sheet metal "skins" on the doors...whatever those are!

Is it completely silly to be taking-on two major house projects just a few weeks before our due date? We're in the process (read: waiting for painter/contractor to get their arses in gear) of painting the exterior of our home and re-carpeting the entire lower level. At this point, I just want things put back together!

I almost lost it at Moth.erhood Mat.er.nity today. As I placed the dress I wanted to purchase to wear to my baby shower this weekend (A little last minute you say?! Sigh. Long story.) on the counter, the sales lady asked me how many weeks I had left. I replied "just about three," and the girl next to me squealed "MEEEE TOO!" I proceeded to look down at her baby bump that I SWEAR was resting directly between her legs. Her baby was THAT low. Then I looked at my bump wedged up under my ribs. I wanted to cry. Either our baby has a huge butt and his head is low or he's still just riding that high.

And finally, before I put everyone to sleep, my newest tummy pics. I'm 5'9" and most of my height is in my torso. I can't even imagine what my poor mother went through when she carried high and very central like this with a 5'0" frame. The woman is a saint.

May 16th, 2008

One year later.

Life has changed in very profound ways over the past year. But the empty space created here in my heart when you left us too soon still remains the same. I'm reminded of you as I prepare your brother's nursery...folding tiny little clothes and socks that could have been placed on your feet...filling picture frames that could have been occupied with your tiny smiles...and I cry. I cry not because you are "lost." I cry because I miss you. I often selfishly wish that it was me and your daddy who were holding you, but I know that your Heavenly Father is holding you in His perfect embrace. I know that one day, we will see you again.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

Mommy will love you forever.
5.16.2008

Racing Stripes

A newly 17 year-old boy and his little buddies decided my car needed a racing stripe down the entire passenger side. Nice new look, huh? Thankfully I was approaching an intersection and only going about 15-20 mph when this happened. Of course, the kid's "tank"...a 1987 Buick...had zero damage. Go figure. He also claimed total responsibility. (Uh, Duh?!)

I have to keep reminding myself...it could have been SO much worse. But it didn't help my nerves/temper/hormonal-ness that the police officer who came to the accident scene was a major a-hole who really didn't care about helping us out (officer simply know as # 298) or that the crash happened right in front of the city's Grey.hound bus station. We had ALL kinds of very...ummmm..."savory" individuals checking out the scene. The officer also made this kid and I sit next to one another in the backseat of his squad car on hard little plastic seats for nearly 30 minutes because it was more "convenient" for him to ask questions that way. Can you say...slightly awkward?!

I think I'm going to start driving one of these:

Duke VS. The Bump

Duke has NO idea what's about to hit him...absolutely NO idea.

(Please disregard the multiple bruises and mini-bandaids from my Hepa.rin shots.)

And my noticeably bigger 33 week 4 day bump...

Currently 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant and all is quiet...for now!

Is This Your First?

Atlantic Beach, North Carolina March 1999

The question seems so innocent. So innocuous. I think I had three different individuals ask me today alone. And yet those who spy my ever-expanding belly and unknowingly and if "this is my first child" open a door to a million different emotions and a guilt I never thought I'd feel about a baby that I never held in my arms.

How do you answer a question like this when you're a baby-loss mama? I'm not so sure it would be socially acceptable to answer: "No, but this will be my first living child." Every time I answer with a simple "Yes," I feel like a traitor. I feel like I'm denying all that could have been and the precious lives that are still MY BABIES, just not here on earth, the way I had always planned.

As I mentally prepare for the one year anniversary of the loss of our precious little baby, and simultaneously prepare for the birth of our first son, I'm wrapped in grief and with gripped with anxious excitement, and I'm not sure I know how to process these conflicting emotions all at once.

How about you baby-loss mamas? How do you answer this loaded question? I know it’s not said to be cruel or malicious, but I don’t want to deny the very real life that could have been, and still is my baby…no matter if he/she lives in my arms or only in my heart.

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Rossiter Worthington Raymond