The Beginning of the End

On the morning of April 20th, I just about lost my mind when I noticed dark red blood after I went to the bathroom. I googled every variation of pregnancy and bleeding I could think of. Most of the information I found put my mind at ease. This had happened to lots of women and they went on to carry healthy babies. I told myself I'd be just fine. I called my doctor the following day and let her know what had happened. She told me to come in for a blood draw and reassured me that everything was just fine. I gave blood on that Monday and went in again and gave blood on Thursday. When I called their office Friday, her nurse simply told me my "levels looked good and they were on the rise." Gee, thanks for the information.

I sat on pins and needles until my next appointment. The only exercise I'd allow myself was walks with our dog, Duke. There was absolutely NO love for my husband. But I continued to play the part of pregnant woman. I bought new clothes. I read the books. I avoided aerosol hairspray and cleaning products and zit cream. C. and I talked about nursery decorations and my sister and I compared pregnancy symptoms. She was puking every day. I worried because I hadn't been sick at all.

Finally! It was time for my 10 week appointment...time to hear a heartbeat.

I took the morning off from work and C. planned to come with me to the appointment. I knew he was really excited to hear a heartbeat and make the pregnancy more "real." My doctor came into the exam room and asked how I had been feeling, answered questions about pregnancy and my heart murmur and then told me it was time to use the Doppler! She carefully scanned my belly and I could see the "look" on her face after a few passes. She joked that it "must be a boy" being stubborn about presenting himself. I felt nothing but sheer terror. After what seemed like an eternity, she stated that only 70 percent of heartbeats can be heard at 10 weeks. She reassured us several times that it would be OK. She also said we would be sent over to another office for an ultrasound. I noticed the order she wrote read "check viability."