I’ve been called-out. And it was by my eternally-supportive husband, of all people.
I just received news that another fertility un-challenged college friend of mine gave birth to a healthy, happy, 7 pound baby girl last Wednesday. Baby M. was perfect in every way. The pregnancy was perfect. The birth was perfect. The nursery prepared for her at home is perfect. When I passed-along the news to my husband, I relayed all the details I knew he’d be interested in…weight, time of day born…and then I concluded my summary by telling him that I was trying to be happy for her and I think I even snuck a “La-Di-Freakin’-Dah!” in just for effect. C. glanced over at me and just said “wow,” but at the same time, gave me a look that said: “Who are you cynical, disparaging woman and what have you done with my content, upbeat, ever-optimistic wife!” As much as I don’t want to admit it, “the look” was a (painful) reality-check and a much-needed reminder. As sad as I am about the roadblocks that we’ve faced in the past four months, I need to remember to give thanks for all that we have been blessed with in our lives (which really is a huge list of things/people!). But it’s really, really difficult to acknowledge what we have been given when we’ve suppressed hurt for so long, isn’t it?
If any one of my blog readers were to meet me in-person, I don’t think they would believe I’m the same individual that wrote last week’s posts. I’ve become very efficient at locking-up all of the icky, unpleasant, sad thoughts and feelings away deep inside where no one can see them. I put on a smiling face when socially necessary, and I love to make people laugh…even if it’s at my own expense. Maybe it stems from the fact that I grew up in a small, Christian, Midwestern household that taught us to “smile and pretend like everything is OK,” regardless of life’s circumstances. We were pros at laughing-off conflict and simply avoided conversation about anything that may be emotionally distressing. Sad feelings hurt too much, and the best solution was to ignore and repress. And it worked swimmingly…for the first 20 year of my life!
I don’t want to be a cynic. I want to be happy for friends, family and co-workers that seem to be procreating at a frenzied pace right now! I particularly want to be able to hold it together when my sister has her baby this fall. I want to feel whole even if I don’t have a baby in my arms for the next year…ten years…or ever. Is this attainable?! I'd really like to find my sunshine.
Finally, I want to send-out a heartfelt thank you to everyone who visited and left comments via the Lost and Found page. Your kind remarks and words of encouragement mean so much. You each are in my thoughts on a daily basis.
2 comments:
That's something I still struggle with is finding my sunshine. I feel like an ungrateful pregnant woman because I still have some trouble finding my sunshine when I see fertile people who got pregnant after trying one month also having easy breezy pregnancies. After our three years of trying and undergoing IVF, I hoped at least for an easy pregnancy. I have had to throw that out the window now too, and when I see my friend who accidently got pregnant having an easy pregnancy - sometimes old feelings still emerge. I have to struggle daily to find my sunshine. But hang in there, you'll find yours too. I'll be thinking of you!
It is so hard to find the ability to be strong everyday when it feels like life just keeps kicking you down.
We all have hard feelings when it comes to other people's pregnancies. It's inevitable.
I find what works for me is constantly reminding myself that every single baby on this planet is a miracle and even though it may be easier for some than others like us, it is still a miracle to rejoice over.
*hugs*
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